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Scifi and Fantasy Forum: Writer's Discussion: Questions :
Another Query - Orion's Key. Please Help.
Another Query - Orion's Key. Please Help.
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[Edit 2:25, February 24, 2005] Ignore this initial query. I've written a new one, which is posted below. I'll leave this one up because comments have been made on it, and I don't want to invalidate them. [End edit].
Hi everyone, I'm getting ready to start shipping out my manuscript, and one of the most important parts of a submission is the query letter. Here's my rough draft, please tell me what you think.
********************************************
Dear __________________,
Three months out of port, the crew of the USC Ardent stumbles upon an abandoned frigate whose records lead them to the strange world Athena, which was never meant to exist. When a run-in with the planetary defensive network leaves them stranded in this unseemly paradise, they begin a trek that will span continents and reveal the most ancient secrets of this world. But there are other forces at work on the world, for its long-vanished left behind a dark legacy of failed experiment -- experiments that have resulted in two nations of sentient dinosaurs who have warred with each other for six centuries. To them, the arrival of humans is an omen of change.
Military historian Devon Carter, one of the seven stranded on the prehistoric world, also learns that the world has a more sinister secret in store for him. For it was not mere chance that led him to the world Athena. It was destiny.
ORION'S KEY, a novel of 104,000 words, follows Devon as he struggles to survive and to uncover the reason he was led to this mysterious world. Along the way, he encounters creatures and places carefully modeled after inhabitants and environments of our own prehistoric world. Based on real paleontological theories and driven by characters, milieu, and plot, this novel combines all the harshness of a world that might have been with the wonders of a universe that might still be.
My name is _________, and I am a geology student at the University of Alaska, Fairbanks, studying with an emphasis in paleontology. I have begun outlines for my second novel, ASHES OF THE EMPIRE, which will be a follow-up to ORION'S KEY.
I'd be pleased to send the complete manuscript of ORION'S KEY for further consideration. Thank you. I anticipate your response.
Posted By:  Bmat Feb 24, 2005 - 11:53 am |       | First paragraph:
unseemly? Is this the word you mean to use?
for its long-vanished left - I think there's a word missing.
dark legacy of failed experiment - of "a" failed experiment?
To them, the arrival of humans is an omen of change. - the use of "them" seems a bit weak. and omen of change-- it is confusing how the coming of the humans would be an omen.. I assume it comes out in the story, but right now it just adds confusion.
The paragraph doesn't grab me, although it does make me a little curious about the story. I'd recommend seeing if you can rewrite and condense it down. This is only one person's opinion.
I haven't taken a look at the other paragraphs yet.
Here's an update, based on your comments, Bmat. I can't believe I had so many typos in it at first.
Dear _________,
Three months out of port, the crew of the USC Ardent stumbles upon an abandoned frigate whose records lead them to the strange world Athena, which was never meant to exist. When a run-in with the planetary defensive network leaves them stranded in this deceptive paradise, they begin a trek that will span continents and reveal the most ancient secrets of this world. But there are other forces at work on the world, for its long-vanished creators left behind a dark legacy of failed experiment -- experiments that have resulted in two nations of sentient dinosaurs who have warred with each other for six centuries. To them, the arrival of humans is an omen of change.
Military historian Devon Carter, one of the seven stranded on the prehistoric world, also learns that the world has a more sinister secret in store for him. For it was not mere chance that led him to the world Athena. It was destiny.
Orion's Key, a novel of 104,000 words, follows Devon as he struggles to survive and to uncover the reason he was led to this mysterious world. Along the way, he encounters creatures and places carefully modeled after inhabitants and environments of our own prehistoric world. Based on real paleontological theories and driven by characters, milieu, and plot, this novel combines all the harshness of a world that might have been with the wonders of a universe that might still be.
My name is _________, and I am a geology student at the University of Alaska, Fairbanks, studying with an emphasis in paleontology. I have begun outlines for my second novel, ASHES OF THE EMPIRE, which will be a follow-up to ORION'S KEY.
At your request, I'd be pleased to send the complete manuscript of ORION'S KEY for further consideration. Thank you. I anticipate your response.
Alright, never mind that query. It's old hat. I've got a new one to critique, one that fits my story better, methinks.
*************************************************
Specific person
Agency
Address
Address
Dear (Agent/Editor's Name):
I am seeking representation for my science fiction adventure novel, Orion's Key, complete at 104,000 words. It is the first installment in an intended series, for which detailed outlines of subsequent books have already been made.
I have no fear admitting that I love dinosaurs. I've grown up with them: The Land Before Time, Dinotopia, Jurassic Park – not a single title I didn't love. Scales, teeth, and claws flashing in the dark excite me to no end, lonely calls through lofty rainforest canopies evoke a sense of wonder that is hard-matched by anything existent in the world today. I have to wonder though, why don't dinosaurs ever get the spotlight anymore?
In Orion's Key, the dinosaurs are the focus. Though it begins with human characters en route to a distant colony world, it quickly progresses into the deceptive tropics of Athena B, where dinosaurs have reigned for centuries. Here, the humans of the USC Ardent encounter a lush world of grand saurian civilizations. Devon Carter, a military historian yearning for adventure, finds himself in the middle of one when he is swept up in a conflict between the benevolent followers of the Iguanodon Emperor Dirrewel and the hated Deinonychus inhabitants of the land of Kerikau. He soon discovers that the world harbors more secrets than those kept in the ancient libraries of the dinosaur capital, Wurrabond. For the creators of the vast paradise world knew centuries in advance that one day he would arrive, and they had in mind a purpose for him even before he was born. The answer lies shrouded in the mystery of Orion's Key, an ancient project abandoned by the human founders of Athena. But before Devon can learn of his destiny, he must face the daunting task of survival in a world where life follows no fair rules.
Drawing on a lifetime of borderline obsession, I've sought with Orion's Key to craft a believable world that might have been if the creatures of Earth's prehistory had advanced to human sentience. I hope it's a world that others can enjoy.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to your response.
Sincerely,
__________________
| Posted By: Magus Feb 24, 2005 - 04:05 pm | | Sounds good. I really only had a problem with your second to the last paragraph.
Drawing on a lifetime of borderline obsession, I've sought with Orion's Key to craft a believable world that might have been if the creatures of Earth's prehistory had advanced to human sentience. I hope it's a world that others can enjoy.
The last sentence seems to indirectly put your work down. Maybe it could be changed to something like "I am positive that it is a world that others can enjoy as I have."
| Posted By: chowder Feb 24, 2005 - 04:17 pm | | gnollslayer
I've just read your queries quickly (aren't they fun to write?) and am in a bit of a hurry, but I like your middle query the best.
The last one does make you sound a bit obsessive--a query should focus on the book and not on you (though I'm sure you are an absolutely wonderful person). Stick to the business of selling the book to the agent.
I hope to get back and read them again. Are you sticking with the third choice. Let us know and I'm sure many here will have great suggestions.
Thanks for the comments, everyone. I think the third one is the best, though you do have a point, chowder; I'll try to cut back on the obsessiveness of the last one.
Magus, I'll see what I can do about that last sentence.
Thanks again everyone, your help is greatly appreciated.
| Posted By: Magus Feb 24, 2005 - 06:06 pm | | Our pleasure.
| Posted By: aldan Feb 24, 2005 - 07:20 pm | | Oh, and gnollie, you may wish to check to see if 'en route' should have the space. I honestly can't remember for sure, but I always use it 'enroute'.
I just checked dictionary.com and it says it's supposed to be two words. Hopefully this bit of knowledge will benefit others on this sight, as characters in sci-fi and fantasy are quite often en route to one place or another.
| Posted By: Magus Feb 24, 2005 - 09:05 pm | | Well... "en" is Spanish for in. So, technically, it's "in route". So, being two seperate words, there should be a space.
| Posted By: aldan Feb 25, 2005 - 10:05 pm | | Ah, but Magus, 'en route' is FRENCH, and we all know how the French feel about all of their neighbors...
Okay Gnollslayer here are my thoughts. I will make my comments in paranethesis and revise it with my suggestions as I go through each part of the query. If I sound a little too harsh, I'm sorry, but agents are going to be tough so you'd best get used to it.
I am seeking representation for my science fiction adventure novel, ORION'S KEY (always capitalize the title), complete at 104,000 words. It is the first stand-alone novel in the ______ Series for which detailed outlines for subsequent books are complete. (This first paragraph is fine but I'd suggest rewording some of it and have taken the liberty of doing so.)
I have no fear admitting that I love dinosaurs. I've grown up with them: The Land Before Time, Dinotopia, Jurassic Park – not a single title I didn't love. Scales, teeth, and claws flashing in the dark excite me to no end, lonely calls through lofty rainforest canopies evoke a sense of wonder that is hard-matched by anything existent in the world today. I have to wonder though, why don't dinosaurs ever get the spotlight anymore? (I'd get rid of this entire paragraph as it's not selling you or your story. The agent only wants to know what hands on experience you have with regards to dinos. Meaning any school courses you have, degrees, etc. Keep it as professional as possible.)
ORION'S KEY focuses on the dinosaurs. It begins with human characters en route to a distant colony world, and quickly progresses into the deceptive tropics of Athena B, where dinosaurs have reigned for centuries. Here, the humans of the USC Ardent encounter a lush world of grand saurian civilizations. Devon Carter, a military historian yearning for adventure, finds himself swept up in a conflict between the benevolent followers of the Iguanodon Emperor Dirrewel and the hated Deinonychus inhabitants of the land of Kerikau. He soon discovers this world harbors more secrets than those kept in the ancient libraries of the dinosaur capital, Wurrabond. For the creators of the vast paradise world knew centuries in advance that one day he would arrive, and they had in mind a purpose for him even before he was born. The answer lies shrouded in the mystery of Orion's Key, an ancient project abandoned by the human founders of Athena. But before Devon can learn of his destiny, he must face the daunting task of survival in a world where life follows no fair rules. (This paragraph is good. However, think of it as a blurb for your jacket cover. The old saying, "you can't judge a book by it's cover" doesn't work for writers because readers DO judge by its cover. I suggest reading covers of a few dino books to get a feel for some better verbage and see if you can come up with something a little sharper.)
Drawing on a lifetime of borderline obsession, I've sought with Orion's Key to craft a believable world that might have been if the creatures of Earth's prehistory had advanced to human sentience. I hope it's a world that others can enjoy. (Get rid of the "drawing on a lifetime of borderline obsession", the agents are going to think you're a loony! Sorry.  Try this: ORION'S KEY crafts a believable world; one which might have been if the creatures of Earth..." I wouldn't use the last sentence either, that's for the agent to decide for himself. I'd stick this part, "Scales, teeth, and claws flashing in the dark and lonely calls through lofty rainforest canopies evoke a sense of wonder that is hard-matched by anything existent in the world today."
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to your opinion.
These are only my opinion so take them as you like. I hope this helps.
Lynn
Thanks, that's a nice, detailed run-through. I need comments like that if I hope to get accepted.
Okay, here's another query attempt, since the last one has failed with six agents. Any advice would be appreciated.
In particular, I have three questions:
1) Is the grammar correct? I have checked this over, but admit that I am not flawless when it comes to using the English language. In particular I am worried about comma placement, or lack thereof. Thanks in advance to anyone who can help with this.
2) Do I sound like a nutjob? Does the story have appeal or does it just sound ludicrous? (Don't worry about offending me, I know that it sounds pretty far-fetched in synopsis. I never considered how I would summarize this whole mess when I was writing through it.)
3) In regards to paragraphs, should I have them bound separated by a line, or should I simply indent five spaces? This will be sent out on paper.
Thanks again everyone. Without further ado, here is the query:
Dear XXXXXXXX:
In the late 29th century, historian Devon Carter is given a once-in-a-lifetime chance to travel to the colonies of the Outer Rim, where exiles of an ancient war took refuge seven centuries earlier. But when his ship arrives on the colony world Athena B, his dream adventure turns into a nightmarish fight for survival – and his own life may not be the only thing at stake. For when the colonists seeded this world with prehistoric life, they also left behind a darker legacy: a superweapon called Orion’s Key, capable of leveling continents and laying waste to worlds, and the secret to its power is mysteriously locked away in Devon’s genetic code.
As he begins his trek, accompanied by prodigious starship pilot Sarah Meyer and flamboyant genetically-engineered dinosaur Gallic, a war breaks out between the native factions of Athena B. And if Devon and his companions do not find the Key soon, all hope for the future may be lost.
This science fiction adventure, Orion’s Key, is my second full-length novel and is the first in a prospective series of books chronicling Devon Carter’s adventures on the world of Athena B, which is modeled after our own prehistoric Earth. It is complete at 107,000 words, and the sequel is well underway at 27,000.
At your request, I would be happy to send more sample chapters or the complete manuscript.
I hope you find the enclosed sample intriguing, and I thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
XXXXXXXXX
By the way, the agency I intend to submit this query to does want to see sample chapters from the get-go. That's why that last paragraph is in there.
| Posted By: Magus Apr 04, 2005 - 06:38 pm | | I'm unsure about the word "intruiging". Perhaps you can change it to something else... like "promising". Just a suggestion.
Good luck with this one!
| Posted By: aldan Apr 04, 2005 - 08:31 pm | | Or perhaps "intriguing" Magus...
| Posted By: Magus Apr 05, 2005 - 05:37 pm | | Ummmm... yes?
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