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Scifi and Fantasy Forum: Writer's Discussion: Problems with Writing:
My challenge: the Beginning
My challenge: the Beginning
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Here it is, fellow SVers, the dilemma that faces me now, and threatens to unravel everything I have labored on for the past year.
My novel, as it stands, is 106,000 words long, and has survived three revisions. But I know that in its current form it cannot succeed, cannot catch an editor's eye. There is no chance of this, and it all goes back to the beginning.
Yes. The beginning. My opening scene is lackluster, and borders on trite. The scenes that follow are lackluster, although not trite. This trend continues for almost 8000 words, with only brief sparkles to offset the dry landscape. It's like a desert where no life dares enter.
There is another choice, a beginning full of action. There is violence, danger, suspense, fear, and love all wrapped into one intense package. Unlike the dry desert, this openning surges with the abundance of life. Why do I not use it?
Simply put, it lacks appeal. As I read it I wonder when I'll ever get a rest, when there will ever be a lull in the action. The back-to-back piling up of conflict seems to attain a level of cheesy unreality that repulses rather than attracts. All concern for the characters disappears in this version; not due to evaporation in this case, but due to flood.
After all that pretentious metaphor, I think I need to make things a bit clearer with an outline.
Opening #1: The Slow Start
Devon Carter, a historian, sits at his desk in his quarters aboard the USC Ardent. It is late, the other crew are already asleep. Devon falls asleep too.
He wakes up and goes to breakfast, where he talks to his friend Chris Donovan and the Ardent's legendary pilot Sarah Meyer, whom he regards with slight romantic interest. The captain of the ship comes on over the intercomm and issues orders for the crew to man their stations. Sensors have detected a craft-sized object ahead. Devon, who does not have a station, follows Sarah to the bridge.
Sarah completes a docking maneuver with the unknown craft, and the Captain sends Devon and another crewman, Alex Mironov, in to investigate. They find the ship empty with a few captain's logs as the only evidence that anyone ever manned the craft at all.
They come back aboard, Sarah disengages the docking arm, and the Ardent continues. During the disengagement of the hyperdrive, one of the crew injures herself with glass laboratory equipment. After Chris and Devon carry her to the medical bay, Alex notices biosignals coming from a nearby planet that should, by all earlier accounts, be barren. Sarah steers the ship closer, and they are caught in a crossfire of deadly planetary defense fire, that ultimately causes the Ardent to crash.
Opening #2: The Action Extravaganza
Devon Carter awakes to the sound of an all-stations siren. The Captain's voice comes blaring through the shipboard comm-lines with a message that an unidentified vessel has been detected in real-space far ahead. Sarah brings the Ardent to sub-light speeds as Devon runs to the bridge to fulfill the Captain's summons.
Devon reaches the bridge and the Captain shouts at him to strap in and brace for impact. In the viewport ahead is an old Confederate frigate, and it is growing fast. Sarah punches the reverse thrusters and the Ardent scrapes into place along the abandoned frigate's side.
A civilian passenger, April Reed, was injured during the docking procedure by her laboratory equipment. Devon and Captain Holden take her to Dr. Chris Donovan in the medical bay, then Captain Holden sends Devon and Alex in to investigate. They find the logs, and signs of an epidemic aboard the ship. They return to the Ardent just in time for the satellites of a nearby planet to start blazing away.
Well, those are my choices. Please tell me what you think I should do, and help me get out of this dilemma. Thank you for your time, and hopefully your comments.
I like opener #2 best but am wondering why you felt the need to tell us about the injured passenger? Something else I noticed is it seems to be telling me what happens instead of showing. I'm that statement gets old too but why not try something a little more in depth. Like for instance:
Devon Carter jolts to alertness as a siren pierces his sleep. The Captain's voice booms through the ship comm-lines; it sounds like static as he says, "Unidentified vessel detected in real-space, all hands report to your stations." Stars blur by when Sarah engages the Ardent's controls and it jumps to sub-light speeds as Devon stumbles over himself getting to the bridge to fulfill the Captian's summons.
Even with a relatively close word count, this example makes us hear the siren and feel what's going on rather than feel like we're being told what's going on. You have to get the reader's imagincation to work for you. Feel free to use it if you'd like. 
These were summaries of the actual openings, I guess I should've made that clearer.
The first opening summarizes 8000 words, the second one summarizes about 6000 words.
The reason I'm leery about using the second opening is that it makes an implicit promise that misleads the reader. From the opening scene it appears that this book is going to be action-laden, and the thrills will come more from chase scenes and explosions than from character development and exploration of the world.
The first opening spends a significantly greater amount of time on the characters, whereas in the second you don't really get to see inside them. I still don't know how I'm going to fix this opening exactly, but I know I'm waiting until next week to start, because I'm currently working on a short. Also, I need time to generate ideas before I begin writing the prose.
By the way, opening #2 isn't actually written yet, it's only outlined. The one I already have is the first one. It drags out too long though, and I need to change it.
Posted By:  talisman Feb 04, 2005 - 11:12 am |       | I prefer the first one. However, from your synopsis, I think it needs some changes.
You do start off too slow. If you wanted action, perhaps incorporate a dream into the start, rather than him sitting up late. It would need some action, perhaps some battle he fought in the past. Something related to the storyline maybe. [This also builds on the character which is what you wanted]
Then you can smoothly move into the 'waking up' scene, do everything else and then end with the other action scene of the ship being shot up.
| Posted By: Magus Feb 04, 2005 - 01:31 pm | | Hmmmm... I read the begginning. It was a little like you say... maybe if you write it from the point of the final days of the war where humanity leaves? That would catch the eye and what little lackluster follows would be bearable because the reader's drawn in and want's to see what will happen.
Does that help?
Another thing I thought up is if I put in a prologue with Garnagash (the villain), it would establish the implicit promise of the novel as a conflict between the villain and the hero, rather than as a novel about space exploration.
Magus, thanks for reading the beginning. I know it starts off dry, but it really does get better. The version you have is probably even worse than the one I have right now, but I know that as soon as the Ardent gets shot down the story takes off. That's why I'm trying to cut out as much of the beginning as I can. Once I cut the info-dumps it'll probably soar smoothly all the way through.
I got it fixed, I think. I ended up cutting out 2,000 words, but it's better this way. I only lost a few scenes, and they were all boring anyways. The tempo doesn't seem too fast now, either. I basically just went with the first beginning, but cut out the downtime between major events. I'm working on relocating the dream Devon has, because the scene leading up to it got axed. I think he'll dream while he's unconscious after the crash.
| Posted By: Magus Feb 16, 2005 - 03:53 am | | Sounds good. And good luck!
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