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Posted By: cleasterwood Dec 29, 2004 - 03:43 am

I've had to write two scenes to try and establish one of my characters, although not a MC, Charlie is used often and is important to the story. My problem is that I can't figure out which scene works best to establish a more believable character.
So, here's my question: Which scene is the best one.

1.
He wandered through crowded streets and stopped at a small open market selling fruits; most of them he was familiar with but others were unlike anything he had ever seen. His stomach grumbled from lack of sustenance so he hoped the dark-skin, hair-covered man would accept a jewel as payment for the handful of dates and figs he picked. "My lord," he said to get the man's attention.

"Can I help?" The shop-keeper replied in broken English.

"I wish to purchase some of your find fruite, yet all I have is this," he pulled a small ruby from his pouch and opened his palm. "Is it sufficient?" The stone, vibrant and rather large by modern standards, gleaned, which drew the scamp's attention.

"Sure I trade it for foood." Dirt dusted hands grabbed the stone, shoved it in his pocket, and with added stealth signaled two men llurking in the shadows. Grinning like a hungry hyena hovering over a carcass, he yelled, "come again" as his soon-to-be-broke customer walked away.
Khufu ate as he walked and turned down several streets heading for what he hoped was the Nile.

A labrynth of darkened alleys best left untraveled closed in around him. Lights flickered off and on, the smell of rotting garbage soured his bloated belly, and the cries of starving children injured his soul; it was a world in crisis that made the slums of his time seem like palaces in comparison. He heard thin metal fall followed by a rush of feet bearing down on him.

Without a weapon and shoe-less, the resurreted pharoah was an easy target, or so his attackers tought. The foreign hand touched his shoulder, he grabbed it, swung himself under, around, and thrust out his free hand. A soft fleshy vocal box wheezed when the air was crushed out of it; the man fell into a heap of heaving human. His partner reached for a metal bar and swung wildly at the cloaked man who grew in size as he approached.

Khufu watched the flashing pendulum as it struck his shimmery yellow force-field and bounced. Several times the man thrashed at him; after each useless strick, his shield gained intensity until it was visible to even the most inept of humans. Becoming bored, Khufu turned himself into a cobra and hissed. A kalidescope of fear speckled the attacker's face. Pushed to the reason's edge, the once fluid man turned to ice, dropped the metal, and stumbled over himself to escape the victim turned attacker. Khufu laughed as he morphed back into himself.

Someone near laughed along while clapping his hands for the victor. "I've been waiting for somebody to give 'em what they had coming to 'em." A golden-haired young man teetered out the window a few yards away. "I wouldn've helped ya but those two goons know me and I don't need any trouble from 'em."

"I required no assistance," Khufu replied.

"How'd ya do that neat trick anyway? It ain't every day somebody turns themselves into a snake, ya know."

Having given himself away, the pharaoh extracted a large emerald from his pouch and held it to the light. "If you keep my secret, I shall give this to you."

"Yeah, and if ya got any more of 'em, I'll do whatever ya want." Charlie's wide smile made the king laugh.

"Very well," he paused, holding up the heavy pouch, "if you teach me about your world and help me find my wife I shall give you the entire bag."

"I was looking for my cousin, but since ya offered, it's a deal," Charlie wiggled his fingers and Khufu placed the bag in his hand.

"First, I wish to know what those metal beasts are that roam the streets."

"Metal beasts?"

"Yes, the ones over there," he pointed to the yellow sedan stopped at a red light.

"Where ya from ya ain't never seen a car?"

"Cars," he paused with reflection, "ah, that it what they are called."

Blond locks shook in disbelief. He said, "If I'm gonna help ya, I should at least know your name."

"I am Khufu."

"I'm Charlie, nice to meet you. You have a strange name, where are ya from?"

OR
2.

Confused by the labrynth of roads, he hoped to locate the Nile so he could beseech Hapi, the river god, for guidance. Thin metal clanked and shouts for help billowed from the alley to his right. Unable to ignore someone in need, he secured his puch before heading up the street whose only light buzzed above a door near the end.

Growing shadows fought against a distant wall. Phantom arms rose high to land a blow onto the victim who was being subdued by two accomplices. Blond, blood soaked curls bobbed and a swelling face thanked his saviour. Without a weapon, Khufu's ghostly yet cautious approach drew the attackers' attention.

"Go about your own business," the large man smacked his fist into his palm, "mister."

"Are you incapable of defeating an unarmed man without assistance?" asked the resurrected pharaoh, holding out his open hands.

"I guess you want to find out." The brutish man turned toward him fully, took a step forward, and withdrew a knife.

Khufu gauged the man's advance and raised his shield. He watched the flashing pendulum as it struck his shimmery yellow force-field and bounced. Several times the man thrashed at him; after each useless strike, the shield gained intensity until it was a visible orb to even the most inept of humans. Thrusting out his hand, the pharaoh struck with percision. A soft fleshy vocal box crumbled when the air was crushed out of it; the man fell into a brown heap of heaving human. Those holding the intended victim released him and stormed toward the king babbling what were surely obscenities. Unconcerned, Khufu remained motionless. The man on the left ran at him, but he took a step sideways, swept out his bare foot, and sent the paper thin man face first into a wall.
"You're dead," said the last man but wild fists pummelled, to no avail, at the yellow light protecting the barefoot man who had made their business his. Grabbing the man's shoulder, the king applied substantial pressure and the attacker turned victim dropped to his knees with a yelp. When Khufu released him he scrambled across the ground, pulled himself up aided by the burly man. Staying at a safe distance the larger of the three said, "This isn't over yet, Charlie," before they disappeared down the main street.

"Are you well?" Khufu asked, kneeling to help.

"I'll live," the golden-haired young man looked up from his bleeding stomach. "Ya could have been killed ya know. They'll stop at nothing to get back at ya."

"You are injured; allow me to assist." Khufu placed his hand on Charlie's gut; blue warmth emmanated from it. When he removed his hand, the young man stared down as the once gaping wound covered with flesh.

"How the hell did ya do that?"

"It is of little concern. You shall be well within a few days."

Turning to leave, Charlie stopped him, "How can I repay ya?"

"I am in need of a guide."

"Mister, I'm in your debt. Where do you want to go?"

"I must find my wife. I would also like to know what those metal beasts are that roam the streets."

"Metal beasts?" He sounded confused.

"Yes, the ones over there," he pointed to the yellow sedan stopped at a red light.

"Where ya from ya ain't never seen a car?"

"Cars," he paused with reflection, "Ah, that it what they are called."

Khufu knew he had made a new ally so he said, "If I tell you a secret, will you aid me in what I must do? Can I trust you?"

"Yes, sir, ya can tell me anything and I won't betray ya. ••••, they would've killed me if ya hadn't come along."

"I have plenty of gold if you will teach me about your world." He pulled a few stones from his pouch and offered them.

"Be careful, don't let people see all that. You are from far away. It isn't good to show stuff like that in public. I don't even know your name."

"I am Khufu."

"I'm Charlie, nice to meet you. You have a strange name, where are ya from?"


Thanks for any input in advance.

Posted By: woody000 Dec 29, 2004 - 09:46 am

Im a bit too busy now Im afraid, (only got 2 mins) but I WILL read them.

Posted By: Magus Dec 29, 2004 - 01:45 pm

I only have until my sister reads the next chapter on her book about C++. That won't be long, as it's big font and a lot of pictures, according to her. She's also a fast reader.

But I promise to get to it when I know I have more time.

Posted By: Toki Suzukiko Dec 29, 2004 - 04:58 pm

Well then I'll answer.
I like the second one more because it drags you into the action instead of hearing about it. Personally.

Posted By: woody000 Dec 31, 2004 - 12:21 am

Yeah same, 2nd one. Though Id watch the language of Charlie:
"Mister, I'm in your debt." that sounds out of place when compared to the other things he says.

Just a thought.

Posted By: * raye * Jan 30, 2005 - 10:08 am

2nd one.