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Posted By: nutmeg Jan 29, 2004 - 04:30 pm

So I kidda have sort of a basic idea for a story, but I can't get it to work out.

It's about a girl who is stole into slavery (or something) by this guy because her sick dad owes him money even after he's given him basically ever then (which really doesn't work).

So after a while the girl starts working at this royal summer home or something and the prince visits and they fall in love (how? I don't know), so they secrectly elope.

Oh, I forgot: they're sort of two races in this place. The slightly superior race (maybe magical, in what way I don't know, any suggustions) came across the sea and took up the throne, a and that race became rich nobles and were high on the social ladder(I need help with that too).

The race that was already there is starting to hate the superior race because this powerful noble it's pressing them to. I was thinking he be like Hitler (I’ve been studying the Holocaust in school, so that’s where it’s coming from). So anyway this Hitler-ish guy kills the king and the royal family that’s with him and goes to the royal summer home to kill the crown prince (I think the summer home is on a island in the middle of a lake).

So, the bad guys throw him in the dungeon. The girl finds a way to see Prince once more before he's executed and tells him she's pregnant (too cliché?) and the prince tell the girl she need to run way because the servants probably knew of the lovers and the girl must save the unborn, soon-to-be heir the of throne. The Hitler-ish guy will, of course want all of the Prince's race dead, especially the rightful heir of the throne. So the girl meets a servant girl who agrees to help her because the bad guys took her mistress away to kill her because her was of the Prince's race. I have no idea how they escape. I, obviously, need a lot of help.

I also was thinking the superior race from the sea are “marked” (I don’t know what) and scorned and killed. They need to be magical, but I don’t what it could be? The Hitler-ish guy is really afraid of there power and also jealous. Maybe he want to harness it? Suggustions are VERY VERY WELCOME!! BE BRUTAL!!!

Posted By: nutmeg Jan 29, 2004 - 04:32 pm

Oh, yeah I forgot. I made a language up for the superior race. Of course, I'm no linguist, and my language just doesn't sound real:
CONSONANTS:

All consonants starred (*) are always voiceless

*c always as the English “s”
*d English “d” as in dark
*g English “j” as in juice
h nasalized, similar to “hmm”
*lh similar to “lah”
m as in may
n nasalized, as in then
*p as in heap
*t as in tent
*th as in then
*sh as in hush
*v English, but more drawn out, like “vah”
*w English “wh” as in white

VOWELS:

Short vowels

a uh (cut)
e eh (bet)
i the “u” in put
o ah (father)
u oh (load)
Long vowels

á oo (boot)
é ay (way)
í ah (trash)
ó eh (bin)
ú ee (beet)

Can be long or short. It is long when in is followed by a consonant and then a vowel. It is short when followed by 2 or more consonants.

ë
short: i (high)
long: u (yoo)

ü
short: ow (cow)
long: oy (joy)

Posted By: talisman Jan 30, 2004 - 09:55 am

well its a start to a story, but you need to add a lot more.

It isn't highly original, but often that doesn't matter if the world is customised and you seem to have started on that very well with the language.

I'm a bit confused about these races. Is the prince one of the superior race and is the girl also from that race. If not, they may have an 'interesting' child.

Now 'interesting' could mean genetically weird and impossible or if the races are pretty similar in most respects, then this child could have half the qualities of each race and be some kind of future great warrior that saves the world and so forth...

Maybe make each 'race' quite different in terms of characteristics, but make them of the same species - so maybe one is magical and the other is physically stronger - a warrior race for example.
Then he could be a bit of both.

But I think you need to think a bit more about where the story is going to go, not necessarily specifics, but the general outline - who is good/bad - who wins/loses - who is the hero etc

Hope that's some help to you

Posted By: Esme Jan 30, 2004 - 01:48 pm

I am going to mention the "R" word-- research. I'd look into subjects like psychology for character motivation, maybe more biography of WWII historical figures, WWII history in general (Turn on the history channel on any given weekend, you'll get all the WWII you can stand in 30 minute portions), and constructed languages (there are some really good web sources for these including how to's). Then, let these things kind of ferment in your brain for a while...things tend to suddenly click into place when you have enough bricks.

And I agree with Talisman's comments as far as plot development is concerned. But mostly just read, read, read...

Esme, who probably isn't nearly as helpful as she would like to think she is.

Posted By: nutmeg Jan 30, 2004 - 04:11 pm

You guys are absolutely right. THANKS! To clarify the whole race thing:

There not exactly different “races”. Uh…think Elves and Men in Tolkien, but to much less degree. The “race” from across the sea are SORT of like the Elves. A bit smarter, prettier, and slightly magical, but they both have basic human characteristics. The race that was already there, are like Men, normal. So, since I haven’t named the races yet, and so people will actually understand me—I will call the race-across-the-sea “Elves” and the normalish race I will can “Men”.

The girl is the race of “Men”.

I been thinking, what if the nobles and wealthy people used the “Elves” language? Because the Royals are descendents (as well as 90% of the nobles) and it’s fashionable to speak like the Royals do? The language of “Men” is for commoners, but it has borrowed a bit from the “Elves” language. A bit.

Also I come up with a name for “the girl” using the sounds in my language, I think it’s kidda stupid because, who wants to look at a pronunciation guide? But here it is tell me what you think. I love it. I think it’s pretty. Éruhmé? Pronunciation: Air-roo-hmay. The h is like saying “Hmmm”, a nasalized H. How about the name?

I’m stumped on the “Elve’s” powers? I’m thinking subtle. I don’t like balls of fire and sparks and such. Seeing in to the future? NO! Way to cliché. Something cool…
Well, thanks again! I’m going to research I WILL be back.

Posted By: Esme Jan 30, 2004 - 05:23 pm

The elves/men thing have a nice parallel in the norman conquest of england...might be worth some research there to see how such an invasion affected the culture and language and then tailor it to suit your needs. (And if this is what you were already thinking then just ignore this part.)

I like the name, it sounds nice. Definitely need to keep the accent marks in it though, or else Eruhme looks a little strange.

Anyway, glad to be of help-

Esme

Posted By: nutmeg Jan 30, 2004 - 06:13 pm

THANKS! I will!

Posted By: talisman Jan 31, 2004 - 02:30 am

<< "The elves/men thing have a nice parallel in the norman conquest of england"

LOL, I was thinking the exact same thing when I read nutmeg's post.

The Normans came over, invaded won at Hastings, and established french speaking elites in the Court/nobility whilst the commoners spok old English. Now there was no great rebellion to overthrow them, but your story could pick up on a similar kind of rebellion using that period in history as a historical basis for your writing.
You'll find similar examples all through European history I imagine as well.

As for magic, well I don't like these fantasy books were magic is too powerful. Maybe it could be special mind powers - for instance telepathy, teleconesis (think that's spelt right).
Maybe they can induce men to have hallucinations or see into their minds. Maybe communicate with nature or who knows...

The name looks fine. Don't make names too complex though. Firstly because lazy readers like me don't bother to check on how a name is meant to be pronounced (at least not until they find the glossary at the back of the book when they finish it lol) and secondly because you might confuse the reader. Books are meant to be relaxing for the reader, so don't try and make them think too much

Sounds good though

Posted By: nutmeg Feb 08, 2004 - 04:18 pm

here's the starting, but it's totally dry, and like normal fantasy:

An emerald sea of grass stretched out to the sun that was sinking idly passed the horizon. It was crowned with a haze of ruby and then into violet before coalescing with the darkening blue sky. Stars studded the heavens like diamonds. Clusters of ancient oaks reached out for them, and rippled in the breeze. Brilliant colored birds flitted from tree to tree in the twilight, twittered sleepily. And then—a silhouette of castle etched before deep indigo. Encircling around this manor was small village of drudges’ and large areas of plowed fields. Near the edge of this land was a curious mound. A single bump surrounded by entirely flat land.
This tableau was viewed by a women peering out from her carriage window, enamored as it rumbled ever nearer to the manor.
“Does it please you, my Lady?” The man opposite from her asked. She did not hear him, but he could guess the answer by the slight smile that played across her lips.
The man did not eagerly gape at the landscape as the woman did; rather he was enthralled with her. Such startling beauty that made him ashamed of his own ugliness. Ink black hair like raven’s wings, and milk-white skin that shone like moon light. Tall and lithe. But it was the Lady’s eyes that most captivated him. Fiercely elegant, a vivid and pale frosty sapphire. To be caught in her gaze would make anyone unable to tear away. He was very fortunate to have such a lovely wife. He had no other option but to adore and worship her.
He leaned towards his wife and took her slender white hand in his own large, stubby brown ones, and said softly, “We live splendidly here, and we will be prosperous. The lands are the richest in the world. I shall buy you what ever you desire.”
The Lady turned to him, and the man’s heart lurked in his chest. Her voice cascaded coolly over him like water, “My Lord, I have every thing I could ever need.”
“Yes, but what of the things you want?” But his beautiful wife had her stunning eyes to the window once more.
After a long moment she asked, “What are those villagers doing?”
The Lord followed the woman gaze. It seemed that the entire village were out in the semi-darkness in a long procession toward the strange mound, carrying baskets and other stuffs and placing them at the foot of the hill. The Lady’s husband scoffed.
“Superstition. Nonsense, my beloved. Some people believe that spirits live under hills and must be appeased or something terrible will happen.”
“Odd.” The Lady quietly murmured.
Minutes later the carriage made a sudden, jerky stop before the great manor, and driver came around to open the door. The Lord slipped out first, but rather awkwardly because of the pains of sitting in one place for too long. The servants had been standing in a line and the villagers grouped of to the side awaiting their master and mistress to greet them. The Lord held out his hand, and his wife grasped in and stepped out. All eyes of everyone present had shot to her at once, and then swiftly—reluctantly, to the ground, embarrassed.

Posted By: *_* fiery red *_* Jul 25, 2004 - 09:54 am

ummm. . . wow. thats all i can think of. i absolutely love your discriptive writing style. it makes it so easy to visulize!!! now i feel like totally incompetent. wow.