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Scifi and Fantasy Forum: Writer's Showcase: SF/F Short Stories:
Summit Prologue
Summit Prologue
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This is a prologue I wrote the other day for a much larger story that is in progress. I thought I would leave it here and see what happens when people pick it apart.
You need to know that I do not care if you say "You suck. You will never be a good writer. Give it up and go home." Be as cruel as need be in your assessments because nothing but brutal honesty will help me improve my work.
Here you are. Have fun.
The black of night had already begun to fade to the grey of early morning as Mavos Nihm emerged from the stone stairway. Blankets of mist caressed his skin as he stood still, soaking in the coolness of the crisp morning air. He had been preparing for this day for the last one hundred years but now that it had come, a strange calm had descended over him. He knew that he was ready. He knew that his eight companions were ready. Everything was set in place for an event that history would never forget. Today, they were going to rip apart the world.
One hundred years ago, they had arrived at this place, not knowing how they were to go about their task. This place had given them what they needed: time away from the war to work on their task. The war had consumed their world as each of the eight races sought to eradicate each other. It had been that way for over two hundred years when Yawle Lre, the high goddess, had visited Nihm in a dream. She had told him to gather eight wizards, one from each race, and bring them here. Upon arriving, they were granted immortality and told to use whatever means necessary to end the war.
Standing at the summit of the mountain, Nihm was able to see the horizon in every direction. The mountain was the only thing of substance in this shifting world of mist. It was an island of refuge, locked away in space and time for the task set before them. He would miss the calm of this place when he returned to his world. He had grown to love it during his stay.
His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of more footsteps emerging from the passageway. He turned to face his eight companions as they filed out. He greeted each of them in turn as they formed a circle around him. The sky was now turning pink. Sunrise would be coming soon.
“Are you sure that she’s coming?” said a gritty voice behind him. The voice belonged to Mogos Haser, a wizard of incredible knowledge from the homeland of the trolls.
“I’m sure,” replied Nihm. “She gave me her word.”
“Why hasn’t she showed up yet?” replied Mogos. “This will all be for nothing if she’s late.”
“I have utmost trust in her,” replied Nihm. “I don’t think there is any force in the world that could keep her from arriving. The only thing you need to worry about is your part. By the time she is needed, she will be here.”
Without waiting for a reply, Mavos Nihm raised his hands into the air. The eight others did the same. Mavos Nihm watched the sky carefully. He needed to wait for the exact moment to start the incantations. No one made a single noise as he waited. Then, without warning, he began to chant. The words rolled off his tongue with practiced ease. As he spoke, he could feel the pre-constructed spells of magic being released around him.
When he reached a key point, he was joined by one of the others, saying the same words but in a different tone. The air around them began to crackle with wild energy as they all joined the chant one by one. When the final one started, the combined tones unlocked the last of the spells and the world around them exploded.
The elements of the world they left behind filled the sky. Earth, air, fire, and water tumbled together in a chaotic storm. The barrier between the two worlds had been breached. The noise of the storm almost overwhelmed them.
Then, through the storm emerged a tenth person. She was small, barely more than a girl. The air around her crackled with power. She walked into the middle of the circle, blue eyes staring straight ahead. The wizards ceased their incantations and she began to sing.
As she sang, the noise of the storm vanished. The beauty and power of the song engulfed their senses. The ferocity of the storm settled into a flowing pattern of elements as it brought calm to the world. Then, the song changed.
The new song was more urgent, like a command. The song was straining against the confinements of the world. As she continued to sing, time began to slow. First a little bit, then more. The swirling elements around them ceased to move and time came to a stop just as the sun peeked over the horizon. As it did, the song changed again.
If the last song could be called a command, this one was an attack. It was an attack against the very foundation of the universe. The world around them seemed to tremble under the onslaught. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, a massive shockwave rippled through the cosmos as time split in half.
With the rising sun sitting on the horizon, the sun also set in the west. Sunrise and sunset became one. In that moment, unlimited power and endless possibility existed. With her task done, the girl left the circle and disappeared.
As soon as she disappeared, time once again took its course. For that one moment of time that sunrise and sunset combined, Mavos Nihm harnessed every intention and every element within reach. He felt the other eight wizards do the same. With a small portion of the gathered power, Nihm created a portal. He fed more power into it and it began to grow. The more he fed it, the bigger it got until it engulfed the entire mountain. Nihm triggered the portal and the mountain vanished from the world of mist.
* * * * *
In the physical world, war raged on as it had for the last three-hundred years. All across the world, the scars of war marred its blood-soaked surface. The war had seen whole generations killed in the struggle for survival and the pitiful remnants of each race fought on, desperately trying to stave off extinction.
The war paused when a flash of light brighter than the sun lit up the sky. A mountain higher than any other appeared in the middle of the ocean. As the mountain sank into the depths, incomprehensible amounts of displaced water were pushed outward. A great tidal wave many miles high rushed outward with blinding speed, spelling doom for the inhabitants of the world. The waves never reached the land though.
* * * * *
In a blinding flash of light, the world they had left behind so long ago reappeared to the circle of wizards. As the ripples of devastation spread outward, Nihm gave the signal. The other eight wizards put out their hands and released their power. Eight writhing ropes of light disappeared into the earth and it began to shake.
* * * * *
The surface of the world split open and the homelands of the eight races were lifted into the air. The seas poured into the gaping holes left behind and erupted in clouds of steam as water contacted molten rock. Beneath each homeland, a writhing beam of light pushed it further into the air. When they were some miles above the ocean, they stopped. The beams of light solidified into pillars, holding the massive islands in the air. The eight races were now cut off from each other. The war was over.
* * * * *
Mavos Nihm and his companions, their strength spent, collapsed to the ground. Nihm felt the burden he had carried for so long disappear. All those years of work had paid off. With the races separated, there could never be another war like the one that had just ended. Never again would the races attempt to annihilate each other. Mavos Nihm allowed himself a smile of contentment before he succumbed to sleep. He had done his job well.
Posted By:  Bmat Mar 11, 2005 - 09:19 am |       | This place used twice close together. How about instead "Here they found what they needed."
"when Yawle" should be reworded. Now it makes the reader think first that her appearance was two hundred years ago until reading on. It breaks the reading flow.
The war had consumed their world means to me that the world is destroyed, but I think this is not what is meant since the conference is taking place.
The phenomenon of the change of the world became slightly tedious, yet I don't know how it could be condensed.
Starting with in the physical world and the following paragraph, "the war" is used repetitively. If this is a device to indicate how much the war is a part of the life of the people then I can understand. Otherwise some other wording might help.
At "some" miles above the ocean, will the atmosphere still support life? What about natural resources? Did water and mineral deposits also get lifted? Is there some guarantee that air travel won't be developed? Balloons even? What about falling off?
The idea is clever, and the writing is done well, but I question whether this is truly a solution. They are still on (over) the same planet. I can't believe that there won't be some kind of communication (carrier pigeon? smoke?)
But don't fear about your writing. You write well. I had very little on which to offer suggestions.
Thankyou for the suggestions. As far as "some miles above the ocean", the story itself that follows the prologue goes into a lot more detail about this.
What happened, along with the continents getting lifted, was a seal being placed around each of them. The seal hides the islands from eachother. In the future, they may be able to venture down to the world below. (In fact, a few races do that several thousand years later.) The continents are lifted into the air as a means to make them inaccessable.
As far as how they would be habitable, the atmophere was sealed along with the continents. With things like rain, the continents are not quite so high as to avoid rainfall.
I should probably try to explain at least a little bit of this. Thankyou for saying something. I often forget what the reader does and does not know already.
| Posted By: Bmat Mar 11, 2005 - 04:18 pm | | You are welcome. I can see all kinds of possibilities. Very nice!
Great job; I look forward to seeing more.
I just had a thought... if the continents are magically sealed anyway, wouldn't it have been more efficent for them just to create spell barriers between the nations instead of fracturing the world into several pieces? This is just my two cents. I suppose it would not be as interesting my way.
That is actually something that occured to me. If the continents were on the ground still, then the other races would know where the continents were and be able to work on breaking the seal. With the continents drifting through the air, the locations would be a mystery and they have no way of knowing where to look. The only way to get from one island to the other is through a gateway in the mountain and the wizards guard that.
| Posted By: Bmat Mar 13, 2005 - 04:24 am | | They float? I thought they were on massive pillars.
That's why I let other people read. So they can catch these things.
The magic pillars are what holds them in the air. They don't anchor them to the ground below. I must remember to somehow reference these things. Perhaps I shouldn't call them pillars because that does suggest they are anchored in place. I should also point out that they are sealed apart.
I have revision to do. Yay. Keep 'em coming as you see 'em.
"I have revision to do. Yay."
Now that is a feeling I can sympathize with. 
I will try to post an edited edition in a few days.
Also, I have more info on magic theory and the races of the world in the Suggestions and ideas forum. Read them if you wish.
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