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Posted By: Kaydin Mar 08, 2005 - 05:39 am

The tall young man clad in the tight fitting armor stepped out of the shop. His sword clinked against the armored part of his leg. He had received the information he had come for. The demon the plagued this village was a lunar creature, meaning it only came out on full moons.

Well the full moon was,luckily enough, tonight. Nothing to do but wait until nightfall. Kaydin the tall, powerful demon hunter turned and proceeded to the temple. After arriving he knelt before the altar and prayed to his god to grant him strength.

And so he stayed in the temple praying until nightfall. That's when it happened a dark shadow fell over the village.

Kaydin grabbed his sword and dashed outside his eyes searching the trees. The he saw it a tall fat demon covered in rough scales descending upon a group of hapless children.

Anger clouded Kaydin's mind. He ran forward and leapt into the air, drawing his sword with lightning speed. The air around him warped with power as he sailed towards his opponent. A battle cry escaped his lips, warning the demon. The creature whirled around and swung a tree sized club at Kaydin. Unfortunately Kaydin was to close to dadge the attack. The club slammed into Kaydin's chest and splintered, yet the force of the swing sent him flailing into the woods.

The trees snapped apart like twigs as he slammed into them. He stood up as he finally hit the ground. He was shaken from head to toe but was otherwise unhurt, due to his powerful armor.

His eyes blazed with anger as he focused his attention on the demon. He saw it bend to pick up a little girl. He summoned his demonslayer magic. uttering the words of power. Dark blue flames darted from the tips of his finger and slammed into the demons chest, causing him to drop the girl.

The demons screech was ear-splitting. Kaydin of course was used to such screams. He charged forward picking up his sword. He ran right up to the demon and leapt up his sword slicing the demon clear in half.

Well another demon was down. Only the rest of the demon race to go.

Posted By: Bmat Mar 08, 2005 - 07:41 am

This needs to be run through spell and grammar check.

Here are a few other comments: The demon "that" plagued. The demon only came out on full moons should perhaps be reworded. When I was reading the word "out" made me think "out from where?" and pulled my attention away from the story.

Nothing to do but wait until nightfall.- This is not immediately clear. Perhaps Kaydin had nothing to do...

And so he stayed in the temple praying until nightfall. That's when it happened a dark shadow fell over the village. - This is a bit weak. The first sentence could be combined with the preceding paragraph as it is now written. The second sentence should be divided into two, or at least a semicolon used to divide the two phrases.


The he saw it a tall fat demon covered in rough scales descending upon a group of hapless children. - "Then he saw it a" this needs some punctuation. Instead of hapless children you may want "helpless" children.

to close should be too close, dadge is misspelled.

yet the force of the swing sent him flailing into the woods. - I don't think that you want the word "yet" here. Probably "and". Is he really "flailing"?

That the trees snapped apart like twigs diverted my attention. Trees are pretty flexible, I don't really see how something slamming into them would cause them to snap like twigs. The club "slammed"- too many slams.

demon's chest. Too many "he his etc" in this paragraph.

demon's screech. Too many He's and his's again. "of course"? unless this was established earlier it doesn't follow.


A good idea is to run a story though spell and grammar check, then to set it aside and read it cold as if you were reading someone else's work. You will pick up inconsistencies then.

I like the ending especially. Good luck with your writing.

Posted By: thegreentick Mar 11, 2005 - 03:13 am

I will be honest and say that I didn't really like it. I suppose that the story has potential but for the most part I would suggest a rewrite.

I am not saying that it was terrible. Most stories I read on this site have potential and this is one of them.

Watch your spelling, watch your repetition, and make sure that your writing flows.

Also, one thing that really bugged me was this. Why in the world would a mighty demon hunter sound a battle cry and alert his opponent? That doesn't make sense. Also, why wouldn't he use his magic first? I ask these questions because the hero should have these ideas in his head. If I can think of these, he should be able to as well.

Keep writing

Posted By: Talon Sinnah Mar 12, 2005 - 09:04 pm

The story has extreme potential.

In the first sentence I believe the should be changed to that.

I personally do not see a demon hunter wearing armor but that is just me. And then you may want to specify what kind of sword he carries. Back to the armor, if you insist on it you may want it to be leather or something else light.


And Bmat I believe a tree hit with enough force can be snapped like a twig. I know I have seen it enough times around my house by the woods. Especially if the tree is pretty well aged. Do away with the hero flailing, he should be used to flying through the air if he is experienced in demon slaying.


The Demon: You may want to give it a name, and you do not see many fat demons. I like the fact he went straight for the children but where was the rest of the village. The fact he went for the children showed how evil this gut was.

Very good story though. This was right up my alley and despite what I said I really enjoyed it. Keep up with it and work on it, all it really needs is some cosmetic work.

Posted By: * raye * Mar 19, 2005 - 10:54 am

it has the potential to be very good but perhaps before you jump right into the violence you may want to discuss the psychological aspects behind Kaydin being a demon slayer. like how did he become one? what drove him to it? Does he just wander around whooping up on random demons? if so, why? where did he learn the words of power and his magic? why does he get so angry when seeing the demon? did he have a faily history or lineage behind his profession? maybe demons had done him some injustice in the past and he was out for revenge. . . or something. basically you have a 2-D hero who has the potential to become unforgettable with some development or backstory. if you want it to be mysterious then maybe you could throw out small, but important bits at a time. make you hero more human.

Posted By: HulloKitty202 Mar 19, 2005 - 01:02 pm

This has great potential as I could very clearly visualize the setting. However, there are some setence fluency issues that need to be resolved in order to help the fludity of the story. For instance, The demon that plauged this village was a lunar creature, meaning it only came out at night. I would drop the explanation at the end and instead concentrate on the story. Most fanasty readers know the meaning of "lunar." And if you could toss in a description of the night sky with a moon I'm guessing we'll get the drift. Another thing that irked me; I understand that Kaydin is angry, but as a trained Demon Hunter I'm sure he doesnt let anger cloud his mind. For me, this guy sounds as if he is calm, cool and collected. The ending: I would drop of course, for me it drops me out of the story. Its as if a third party is putting things in that have no bearing on the story. As for the last sentence drop the well and instead just Another Demon Down, it just sounds better. I can defintly see the potential of the story.