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Posted By: Saoirse Feb 24, 2005 - 08:02 pm

Just as a warning it's rather ambiguously written, on purpose. Leter in the novel most of this is cleared up, I promise. I'm just trying to see if I get the right..effect, maybe from this. Criticism greatly appreciated, thanks.

~~~
Wind danced across her face as she looked out across the sea. So calm tonight, she thought, so wonderfully tranquil. Her ethereal features darkened. Soon this would be lost. Soon she would be just another of those banished by Arenel to the other realms. Her chosen daughter, Arenel, so brilliantly strong in every way. It was almost ironic that she was to be banished by her apprentice. By the woman she took under her guardianship before Nox had given birth to his dreadful plot.

Nothing to be helped, she supposed. She had watched her world be destroyed long enough without lifting a finger to help, and tonight that would end. Her hand rested atop her bulging belly. This child would bring the balance back, return the order of things to the way they once were. She could feel the world being torn already; see the darkness edging out the light.

The shadows behind her shifted and merged, revealing a darkly handsome man. A cruel smile appeared on his face. “My dearest Luxya, have you come to bid farewell to Eradeth?”

“I have, and yet I have not.” She turned to face him, her pale blue eyes reminiscent of the clearest lake. “Would you truly see that what we created is destroyed?”

“The dark is nothing of destruction.” He replied easily, his voice full of promises as he tenderly caressed her cheek. “You have seen what I offer, Luxya, tell me it was all bad.”

The Great Lady Luxya lifted her head defiantly. “What you speak of has nothing to do with this, Nox.”

“Ah but it does.” In the pale moonlight his handsome mask was transparent and revealed his true self. The skeletal Great Lord of Night. As soon as the visage was revealed a cloud covered the moon and he was once again the handsome man. “You once enjoyed my embrace, lest you forget the origin of the child you bear.”

She remained silent, collected in her glowing light.

“Our child shall one day bring my plans to fruitation.” Great Lord Nox continued, placing his hand over hers on her stomach. “With control of both Night and Day this babe will be my greatest asset.”

Posted By: Bmat Feb 24, 2005 - 08:17 pm

As I read the first few sentences in the first paragraph I noticed that it is quite choppy. It should be smoother to match the subject. Later in the paragraph you have a couple fragments that are a little distracting.

I'm not sure what collected in her glowing light means.

As far as general impression, I like it. It is sensuous. It presents a conflict and danger. If I were thumbing through a book and read something like this I would be interested in reading more.

Posted By: chowder Feb 25, 2005 - 12:27 pm

I liked it too. It promises the reader a good story will follow.

The only thing I found distracting was the first paragraph--you have repeated many sentences/ideas--saying the same thing twice though in a different way. You might want to tighten that up. Or you might not.

Great start!

Posted By: Magus Feb 25, 2005 - 12:45 pm

I liked it. I agree with the other two that it shows great promise for a story.

It's a bit shorter then I like prologues to be, personally that is, but it works well. I think you did a good job here.

Posted By: Saoirse Feb 25, 2005 - 01:55 pm

thanks, i'll work on fixing the choppy-ness(great word, eh?) as well as the repition.

Posted By: Magus Feb 26, 2005 - 06:45 am

choppiness

Posted By: Saoirse Feb 26, 2005 - 07:58 am

fine, fine choppiness...though i think the - adds something

Posted By: Magus Feb 26, 2005 - 08:19 am

I've been hanging around Aldan for too long methinks.