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Posted By: Middy Oct 04, 2003 - 03:40 pm

Chapter 1-Who am I

“ Divine Disciples of Wei-Shao! I, Nivad Heru, ask for your guidance.”

“ What is it that you ask of us?”

“I want to know of my origin. Where am I truly from? I was told by Master Jhoric, that I was found on the eastern shore of Nor and was brought here as a baby.”

I was sixteen, when I approached the Divine Disciples of Wei-Shao for the first time. My name is Nivad Heru, at one point in time I was alone on this world. I was raised at the Wei-Shao Society, my master, Jhoric Heru, named and trained me in the art of Wei-Shao. The martial arts of Wei-Shao teaches you, to use the elements of life instead of your body as weapons. I was exceptional in using the elements of life. I had the ability to see further than a normal person, I had a keen sense of smell, I had heightened senses. The students of the Wei-Shao Society thought, I was a cross breed of different races. I was different alright, I had a human appearance yet my right eye looked like a phoenix eye. The students considered me an outcast, in some ways they feared me others mocked me. Its true that humans fear what they don’t understand and they hate what they cant explain.

My master told me that my eye was just a birth mark, but it was more. My right eye fueled with a passion of combat, it felt as if I was being controlled at times and I loved it.

“We know nothing more than what you know. The Divine Gods has brought you here for a purpose, which you have not completed.”

“How do you know that my purpose is not completed?! You don’t know that, I don’t know that! So don’t sit there and tell me about any purposes!”

My anger could be felt across the deepest valleys of Zandas. They knew something, I know it, but they wouldn’t tell me.

“Young warrior, you must not worry. The answer to your question will soon come. You will one day know who you are.”

“Why don’t you tell me who I am now?”

“Your Nivad Heru, one of our strongest student.”

“Thanks anyway for your help.”

“We are here to direct and guide you or any pupil who needs guiding.”

I left the Sanctuary of the Devine Disciples knowing nothing. It was a hot and beautiful summer day, a great day for training. As I entered the temple courtyard, to my right was Master Jhoric. Master Jhoric was standing firm and strict as he directed the pupils. He wore a blue and black master’s supertunic, with black short breeches that extended just enough past his knees. His blonde hair flowed down to his back, if you stared at his hair long enough, it feel as if your watching the ocean. Whenever he moved, his hair will move in a wave-like motion. We never knew his age, but we had a feeling he was at least forty. Master Jhoric face was somewhat wrinkled, which also gave off his age a little bit.

The students training garbs were different. We had to wear black and blue tunics, which separated us from the masters and instead of the short breeches, we had to wear long breeches. Although we were apart of the Wei-Shao Society, our training garbs indicated that we are lower class citizens under King Valmon, ruler of Zandas.

The Wei-Shao was represented by the extinct Bison. We represented sacredness, fertility, abundance, we are the symbol of the spirit.

“Father, I ask of your presence?”

“I am in the middle of a session, where you are suppose to be.”

“My apologies father, I had met with the Divine Disciples.”

“Trying to know of your origin again?”

“Father, I feel there is something in me, like another presence. I know it has something to do with my abilities and my right eye.”

“How many times do I have to tell you, its just a birth mark.”

“I understand bu---”

“Its just a birth mark.” Jhoric interrupted.

“Yes father, I understand.”

“Good, now line up with the rest of the students, session is not yet over.”

I have a level of respect for my father. He is the greatest Wei-Shao warrior in the Society, yet, he to is hiding something from me.

I was caught in tangled of web of deceit and deception. Someone knows of my origin, I and was certain the answers didn’t lie within the Wei-Shao Society.

Being a tyro at the Wei-Shao Society, was complicated. All students had to be inside the temple when day breaks. When outside the temple gates, you must hunt within the Wei-Shao training area. Beyond the training area, is the Dedrilath forest, and beyond that is the eastern shore of Nor. No student was permitted into Dedrilath forest or leave Nor Island, without the approval of the Disciples and or the masters. This made my training difficult. My instinct, my burning temptation for fighting, lead me to further my training into Dedrilath forest.

Dedrilath forest was the resting ground of the dark sorcerer Brardoth. Brardoth was the evil prince of Ivilon, who fell to the legendary champion Dru’Vel four hundred years ago. Although his body was sever by Dru’Vel’s blade, his spirit still wanders the forest during the nights sky. At first I trained myself at the edge of the forest, never going to deep. I wasn’t scared of the Brardoth spirit, I just felt my knowledge and skills permitted me from defeating him.

The Wei-Shao Society prevented the use weapons. The Divine Disciples believed that the Divine Gods condemned those who rely on the use of weapons. I on the other disagree. The use of ones hands gets weary. So to prevent fatigue, I made use of a fallen bamboo tree and crafted a long staff.

I taught myself to use the staff, during my nights in Dedrilath forest. When the dawning of the sun starts to make his run over Nor island. I would bury my staff nearby, and quickly stride back to my quarters. No one knew of my absence into Dedrilath forest for months until one night. My carelessness for the rules, will cost a student his life.

“What do you think your punishment will be, if the Divine Disciples found out you were out here?”

“Who are you?” I spoke calmly.

“I’m Doron, Wei-Shao tyro.”

“How did you know I was out here?”

“You woke me up with your pretend snoring, so I followed you.”

“I wasn’t pretending to snore.”

“Could of fooled me.”

“What do you want, your interrupting my training.”

“I want to train with you. I watched how you train, the way you move with your staff, its remarkable.”

“No thanks, you will only slow me down.”

“I wont slow you down, I promise.”

“That’s okay, im used to training alone.”

“Your one of those im better than the rest type of fighters.”

“Don’t you suppose to be in bed!” The constant chatting from Doron, began to infuriate me. My mind was focused on him instead of my training, which made it impossible for me to concentrate. Then it hit me, the answer to my problem.

“You want to train with me?”

“Yes of course!” He spoke with such
anticipation, such ambition.

“Then you must prove yourself.”

“How? I’ll do anything.”

“I want you to bring me back proof that the spirit of Brardoth exists. Only then I will let you train with me.” That was my mistake.

“Just bring proof?”

“That’s all you have to do.”

“Then its settled. I will return by dawning of the sun.”

“I shall be here.” With that moment, I watched him disappeared as he sprinted gallantly into Dedrilath forest. From the looks of him, I could tell that Doron was carefree. He had a young fourteen year old look, which also made me regret letting him run off into the forest.

I waited outside Dedrilath forest for two hours but no return. At the time I wasn’t worry, I was exhausted from the training and was ready to return to my quarters. I stayed outside the temple walls thirty more minutes, still Doron did not return. Time was starting to vanquish, and the rays of light were beginning to form. I should of waited for him a little longer but I couldn’t risk getting caught by father, or any member of the Wei-Shao Society.

Later that morning, panic and grief came over the temple. Doron never returned, and now he is missing. The temple masters began there search on grounds, before they start searching Dedrilath forest. The search went on through out the day, but Doron was nowhere to be found. This was all my fault, I should have never sent him deep within the forest alone at night, I had to find him myself.

Night fell across Nor Island. Wei-Shao Masters was wandering the temple courtyard, making sure that know one leaves grounds. I had to find a way to leave the temple, two of the Wei-Shao Masters watched over the front gate, and two masters looked out to the forest from the guard tower. The only chance I had of leaving the temple was to tell my father the truth. I gradually sauntered down the long hallway, making my way to my father’s quarters. As I slowly entered my fathers quarters, the soft lit candles that surrounded the room showed my fathers concerned face. My father taught all the new tyro’s, and knew Doron very well.

“Can I help you with you anything, my son?”

“Father, I’ve done something terribly wrong, and now someone might be in danger.” Father’s concerned face was replaced with anger as he slowly rose from his seat.

I told my father the situation, from sneaking out after hours to train, up to Doron’s disappearance. Father just stood there staring at me, by the look of my fathers face, he was still angry. Father pointed towards the long oak door, which was a signal for me to leave his room.

“Nivad!” Father yelled out my name as if a lion calling his cub. His voice frightened me, I never seen my father this way. All of his anger, all of his rage, was directed at me.

“You’re the reason Doron is missing, you brought panic to the Society, and you dishonored a direct rule. You and I will go into Dedrilath forest, and we will find Doron ourselves. Do you understand!?”

“Yes fath---”

“Don’t you ever say that word to me again!”

“I understand……..master.” I brought dishonor to the name “Heru” and now that name was taken from me.

Since no one questioned Master Jhoric, it was easy for Jhoric and I to leave the Temple. Outside the Temple and Dedrilath forest. I had approached a small hump in the ground, and dug up my Bamboo staff.

“You dare use a weapon!?” Jhoric asked furiously, “ The Wei-Shao teaches you the elements of life, not the use of a weapon! How much more must you dishonor me!?”

“You cannot survive in this world using just elements! It takes skills, power, only the strong survive in this world!” The words I had spoken, the anger, did not come from me, and yet, it felt good.

“The nonsense you speak, was not taught by the Wei-Shao.”

“The Wei-Shao don’t teach a lot of things.”

Jhoric and I argued for an hour, Jhorics knowledge of the Wei-Shao teachings, versus my experience of training by myself. As Jhoric and I continue to dispute, the word “help” could be heard faintly through the forest.

“You hear that” Jhoric said calmly.

“He’s to the east of us. I can hear Doron running, but why? He knows where to find the Temple or at least the Sanctuary. Master it’s a trap, I know it.”

“That may be Nivad, but we will never find that out standing here.”

As I firmly gripped my Bamboo Staff, Jhoric and I entered Dedrilath Forest.

Posted By: Middy Oct 06, 2003 - 10:59 am

Cant nobody tell me what they think.

Posted By: ForeverZero Oct 06, 2003 - 02:55 pm

Well, I like the story so far. The different views of survival between the Wei-Shao and Nivad's experiences is a good argument that could turn Jhoric into a rival of sorts, and I like those kinds of twists.

Unfortunately, I'm not much of a fan of first person writing. But that doesn't matter much, because this first person story is done very well.

I like the background story and the current events happening in it, but one thing I think you should work on is describing the chaacters a little more. That is, of course, you want the reader to see your characters as YOU see your characters. It's entirely up to you if you want them to ahve their own interperetation of their appearance.

Posted By: Middy Oct 07, 2003 - 08:52 am

thanks for the suggestion, im a newbie writer and im still working on my describing skills. If you or anyone can give me a few pointers when describing, that would be helpful.

Posted By: Athalia Oct 08, 2003 - 10:36 am

Pointers on discription---- Do not - please, i beg of you - spend your entire time on discriptions, don't use more than a paragraph at a time discribing your characters - in fact, unless you feel it is ABSOLUTLY necessary, spend time on even one paragraph dedicated to discriptions. The reasoning behind this is; anybody can do that, it is much better - i think - to kind of slip in your descriptions, make them part of the story... example:

"His blue eyes flashed in anger as his crippled hand flexed into a claw. Because of Jake he could no longer even make a proper fist, that thought made his tanned face darken even more in helpless fury."

From those two sentences the reader learns that the character is crippled, has blue eyes and must spend a great deal of his time outside since he is tanned, also the reader finds that the character is carrying a grudge.

Of course all of this is just my personal opinion but I like this 'style' better since there is more action in it and the story doesn't get hung up on details like if you said instead:

"Ben had blue eyes and a tanned face from the time he spent out doors, his hand was crippled and this caused bitter hatred to grow in his mind at the man who had taken away some of his freedom and indepence."

So that is my two cents worth do with it what you will.

Posted By: Middy Oct 08, 2003 - 03:06 pm

thank you for your 2 cents

Posted By: Middy Oct 11, 2003 - 12:52 pm

I was wondering, for the people who already read the story, did the evnets flow well with each other.

Posted By: DeathMaiden Oct 21, 2003 - 01:28 am

yeh they did. when is chapter 2 coming out or aren't you putting it up here?
its a really really really good beginning of a book, so many questions! what will happen nexted? whats with his eye? where is he really from?

please please please finish the book! i hate not knowing what will happen at the end!

Posted By: Middy Oct 23, 2003 - 12:25 pm

Thank you all for your feedback. I am still working on chapter.2, but it will be posted soon.

Posted By: Middy Dec 10, 2003 - 10:51 am

QUESTION. IM TRYING TO DESCRIBE A CASTLE AND ITS ENVIRONMENT. CAN ANYONE GIVE ME A FEW POINTERS ON HOW TO DO SO.

Posted By: Bmat Dec 10, 2003 - 11:41 am

{Usually all caps are discouraged on the Internet because they are considered shouting.]

If castles were for protection, they would be thick-walled, narrow windows, located in a protected position such as on top of a hill or surrounded by water.

Posted By: Middy Dec 11, 2003 - 07:49 am

[apologize for the caps, wasnt using them to shout.] The castle I am trying to describe is in a field and its a peaceful environment. Is there a certain way a castle suppose to look like in a peaceful position versus a protective position or it really doesnt matter.

Posted By: Bmat Dec 11, 2003 - 11:34 am

If the castle is not needed for protection, that is, if it is a residence instead of a fortress, then I would think it would be a rambling mansion type place and not a castle. Just my opinion.

Posted By: Middy Dec 12, 2003 - 10:29 am

A rambling mansion. I never heard of a rambling mansion. can u explain one to me

Posted By: Bmat Dec 12, 2003 - 10:53 am

If there is no need for defense, there need be no restrictions on the amount of windows and walls at ground level. So the main floors of the building could be as sprawling as desired. Rooms could be huge and numerous. There would be servants' quarters, and laundries, kitchens, storage, vehicle storage, ground-work vehicle storage, stables, any housing outside of the main building, any guest quarters outside of the main house, any in-law housing outside of the main building, The building could be on all one level unless the above listed rooms (servants' quarters, storage, kitchen, etc.) needed to be on separate floors. If heat is a problem in the locality of the house, then not having several floors would help people be more comfortable. The amount of ground covered could be enormous.

The advantages of a generously sized mansion over a castle that was constructed for defense would be that the rooms could be larger, there could be more rooms, access to the ground floor rooms would be easier, more windows, which would aid air circulation and let in light, easier to heat and cool, ample storage. Convenience and comfort could be considered. As far as construction, the materials used would not need to be inpenetrable by bombardment, so time spent in construction could be used for a larger structure, and materials used would not need to be resistant to attack.

Posted By: Middy Dec 12, 2003 - 04:44 pm

Thanks for your help, Chapter 2 will be posted soon. I was wondering could you see my story being made into a novel

Posted By: Middy Dec 15, 2003 - 07:39 pm

Here's a revision of my first chapter. It's a little longer but all criticism is welcome.

Chapter 1-Who am I

“ Divine Disciples of Wei-Shao! I, Nivad Heru, ask for your guidance.”

“ What is it that you ask of us?”

“I want to know of my origin. Where am I truly from? I was told by Master Jhoric, that I was found on the eastern shore of Nor and was brought here as a baby.”

I was sixteen, when I approached the Divine Disciples of Wei-Shao for the first time. My name is Nivad Heru, at one point in time I was alone on this world. I was raised at the Wei-Shao Society, my master, Jhoric Heru, named and trained me in the art of Wei-Shao. The martial art of Wei-Shao teaches you, to use the elements of life instead of your body as weapons. I am exceptional in using the elements of life. I have the ability to see further than a normal person, I have a keen sense of smell. The students of the Wei-Shao Society thought, I was a cross breed of different races. I was different all right; I have a human appearance yet my right eye looked like a phoenix eye. The students considered me an outcast, in some ways they feared me others mocked me. Its true that humans fear what they don’t understand and they hate what they cant explain.

My master told me that my eye was just a birthmark, but it was more. My right eye fueled with a passion of combat, it felt as if I was being controlled at times and I loved it.

“We know nothing more than what you know. The Divine Gods has brought you here for a purpose, which you have not completed.”

“How do you know that my purpose is not completed? You don’t know that, I don’t know that! So don’t sit there and tell me about any purposes!”

My anger could be felt across the deepest valleys of Zandas. They knew something, I know it, but they wouldn’t tell me.

“Young warrior, you must not worry. The answer to your question will soon come. You will one day know who you are.”

“Why don’t you tell me who I am now?”

“Your Nivad Heru, one of our strongest student.”

“Thanks anyway for your help.”

“We are here to direct and guide you or any pupil who needs guiding.”

I left the Sanctuary of the Devine Disciples knowing nothing. It was a hot and beautiful summer day, a great day for training. As I entered the temple courtyard, to my right was Master Jhoric. Master Jhoric was standing firm and strict as he directed the pupils. He wore a blue and black master’s supertunic, with black short breeches that extended just enough past his knees. His blonde hair flowed down to his back; if you stared at his hair long enough, it feel as if you’re watching the ocean. Whenever he moved, his hair will move in a wave-like motion. We never knew his age, but we had a feeling he was at least forty. Master Jhoric face was somewhat wrinkled, which also gave off his age a little bit.

The students training garbs were different. We had to wear black and blue tunics, which separated us from the masters and instead of the short breeches; we had to wear long breeches. Although we were apart of the Wei-Shao Society, our training garbs indicated that we are lower class citizens under King Valmon, ruler of Zandas.

The extinct Bison represented the Wei-Shao. We represented sacredness, fertility, abundance; we are the symbol of the spirit.

“Father, I ask of your presence?”

“I am in the middle of a session, where you are suppose to be.”

“My apologies father, I had met with the Divine Disciples.”

“Trying to know of your origin again?”

“Father, I feel there is something in me, like another presence. I know it has something to do with my abilities and my right eye.”

“How many times do I have to tell you, it’s just a birth mark.”

“I understand bu---”

“Its just a birth mark.” Jhoric interrupted.

“Yes father, I understand.”

“Good, now line up with the rest of the students, session is not yet over.”

I have a level of respect for my father. He is the greatest Wei-Shao warrior in the Society; yet, he to is hiding something from me.

I was caught in tangled of web of deceit and deception. Someone knows of my origin, I and was certain the answers didn’t lie within the Wei-Shao Society.

Being a tyro at the Wei-Shao Society was complicated. All students had to be inside the temple when day breaks. When outside the temple gates, you must hunt within the Wei-Shao training area. Beyond the training area, is the Dedrilath forest, and beyond that is the eastern shore of Nor. No student was permitted into Dedrilath forest or leave Nor Island, without the approval of the Disciples and or the masters. This made my training difficult. My instincts, my burning temptation for fighting, lead me to further my training into Dedrilath forest.

Dedrilath forest was the resting ground of the dark sorcerer Brardoth. Brardoth was the evil prince of Ivilon, who fell to the legendary champion Dru’Vel four hundred years ago. Although his body was severed by Dru’Vel’s blade, his spirit still wanders the forest during the night’s sky. At first I trained myself at the edge of the forest, never going to deep. I wasn’t scared of the Brardoth spirit; I just felt my knowledge and skills permitted me from defeating him.

The Wei-Shao Society prevented the use weapons. The Divine Disciples believed that the Divine Gods condemned those who rely on the use of weapons. I on the other disagree. The use of ones hands gets weary. So to prevent fatigue, I made use of a fallen bamboo tree and crafted a long staff.

I taught myself to use the staff, during my nights in Dedrilath forest. When the dawning of the sun starts to make his run over Nor island. I would bury my staff nearby, and quickly stride back to my quarters. No one knew of my absence into Dedrilath forest for months until one night. My carelessness for the rules will cost a student his life.

“What do you think your punishment will be, if the Divine Disciples found out you were out here?”

“Who are you?” I spoke calmly.

“I’m Doron, Wei-Shao tyro.”

“How did you know I was out here?”

“You woke me up with your pretend
snoring, so I followed you.”

“I wasn’t pretending to snore.”

“Could have fooled me.”

“What do you want, you’re interrupting my training.”

“I want to train with you. I watched how you train, the way you move with your staff, its remarkable.”

“No thanks, you will only slow me down.”

“I wont slow you down, I promise.”

“That’s okay, im used to training alone.”

“Your one of those im better than the rest type of fighters.”

“Don’t you suppose to be in bed?” The constant chatting from Doron began to infuriate me. My mind was focused on him instead of my training, which made it impossible for me to concentrate. Then it hit me, the answer to my problem.

“You want to train with me?”

“Yes of course!” He spoke with such anticipation, such ambition.

“Then you must prove yourself.”

“How? I’ll do anything.”

“I want you to bring me back proof that the spirit of Brardoth exists. Only then I will let you train with me.” That was my mistake.

“Just bring proof?”

“That’s all you have to do.”

“Then it’s settled. I will return by dawning of the sun.”

“I shall be here.”

With that moment, I watched him disappeared as he sprinted gallantly into Dedrilath forest. From the looks of him, I could tell that Doron was carefree. He had a young fourteen-year-old look, which also made me regret letting him run off into the forest.

I waited outside Dedrilath forest for two hours but no return. At the time I wasn’t worry, I was exhausted from the training and was ready to return to my quarters. I stayed outside the temple walls thirty more minutes, still Doron did not return. Time was starting to vanquish, and the rays of light were beginning to form. I should have waited for him a little longer but I couldn’t risk getting caught by father, or any member of the Wei-Shao Society.

Later that morning, panic and grief came over the temple. Doron never returned, and now he is missing. The temple masters began their search on grounds, before they start searching Dedrilath forest. The search went on through out the day, but Doron was nowhere to be found. This was my entire fault, I should have never sent him deep within the forest alone at night, and I had to find him myself.

Night fell across Nor Island. Wei-Shao Masters was wandering the temple courtyard, making sure that know one leaves grounds. I had to find a way to leave the temple, two of the Wei-Shao Masters watched over the front gate, and two masters looked out to the forest from the guard tower. The only chance I had of leaving the temple was to tell my father the truth. I gradually sauntered down the long hallway, making my way to my father’s quarters. As I slowly entered my fathers’ quarters, the soft-lit candles that surrounded the room showed my fathers concerned face. My father taught the entire new tyro’s, and knew Doron very well.

“Can I help you with you anything, my son?”

“Father, I’ve done something terribly wrong, and now someone might be in danger.” Father’s concerned face was replaced with anger as he slowly rose from his seat.

I told my father the situation, from sneaking out after hours to train, up to Doron’s disappearance. Father just stood there staring at me, by the look of my fathers face, he was still angry. Father pointed towards the long oak door, which was a signal for me to leave his room.

“Nivad!” Father yelled out my name as if a lion calling his cub. His voice frightened me, I never seen my father this way. All of his anger, all of his rage, was directed at me.

“You’re the reason Doron is missing, you brought panic to the Society, and you dishonored a direct rule. You and I will go into Dedrilath forest, and we will find Doron ourselves. Do you understand?”

“Yes fath---”

“Don’t you ever say that word to me again!”

“I understand…master.” I brought dishonor to the name “Heru” and now that name was taken from me.

Since no one questioned Master Jhoric, it was easy for Jhoric and I to leave the Temple. Outside the Temple and Dedrilath forest, I had approached a small hump in the ground, and dug up my Bamboo staff.

“You dare use a weapon!” Jhoric asked furiously, “ The Wei-Shao teaches you the elements of life, not the use of a weapon! How much more must you dishonor me”?

“You cannot survive in this world using just elements! It takes skills, power, only the strong survive in this world!” The words I had spoken, the anger, did not come from me, and yet, it felt good.

“The nonsense you speak was not taught by the Wei-Shao.”

“The Wei-Shao doesn’t teach a lot of things.”

Jhoric and I argued for an hour, Jhorics knowledge of the Wei-Shao teachings, versus my experience of training by myself. As Jhoric and I continue to dispute, the word “help” could be heard faintly through the forest.

“You hear that,” Jhoric said calmly.

“He’s to the east of us. I can hear Doron running, but why? He knows where to find the Temple or at least the Sanctuary. Master it’s a trap, I know it.”

“That may be Nivad, but we will never find that out standing here.” As I firmly gripped my Bamboo Staff, Jhoric and I entered Dedrilath Forest.

As fog consumed Jhoric and I as we treaded deeper inside Dedrilath Forest, the forest itself had changed. Normally it would take two miles to reach the Eastern Shore of Nor, but there has been no sign of water.

“This isn’t right.” Jhoric said
nervously. “ We should’ve arrived at the shore by now. Maybe we should turn back and request the help of the other Wei-Shao masters.”

“The voice came from this way, you heard it. We can’t turn back now.”

“We should not be this far out Nivad.”

“Why not? You yourself aren’t familiar with these parts?”

“There shouldn’t be anymore parts! We should be in the sea right now.” The greatest of the Wei-Shao masters, Jhoric Heru, was scared. He tried to hide it, but you could see it in his eyes. The fear, the nervousness, was pouring through him like water. My father had a weakness, and I was the first to witness it.

Doron’s voice grew louder as we approached a cavern leading underground. No one has ever seen or heard of a cavern being on Nor Island, and the fog that consumed Dedrilath forest had descended around the cave.

“ Master, I have a question I need to ask you.”

“What is it that you need to ask?”

As I slowly surveyed the surroundings of the forest, and as I looked within the mouth of the cave. I was engulfed in a sense of uneasiness, due to the absence of the animals and their familiar sounds. Surely there was some sort of sorcery behind the fog, the missing animals and Doron. Whatever the cause of this lays within the cave. We little by little descended our way underground, into till this day the most beautiful site in all of Zandas. Lustrous gold sheltered the inside of the mysterious cavern. The water was invigorating as well as purified and the sheltered gold made a path, which led to the peak of the cavern.

As Jhoric and I continued our way to the peak, standing there at the end of the path, Doron just stared at us. This very moment was where my life first took a turn.

I yelled “Doron” repeatedly but he never spoke back at us. Jhoric stood there watching, listening to me yell out his name but never once moved from his position.

I yelled again “Doron! Doron! Why want
you answer me?”

Jhoric finally spoke “He is possessed, he cannot hear you Nivad.”

“That is nonsense, how can he be possessed? Who would do such a thing?”

“Brardoths’ spirit is inside Doron. This is a trap, we must flee.”

“Never!” my voice was made clear, we would not leave without Doron.

“You cannot defeat what you cannot see.” Jhoric impatiently replied.

“Then I shall try and I if fail so be it.” Those words may me fell like a hero, a champion. I started to make my way towards Doron, but my right eye had begun to burn. This burning sensation led me to move forward towards Doron. As I approached Doron, he shouted out “Bram-u-el-da-mor-ra-ol” a spell that had forced me into the water. Doron then ascended into the air and began to charge head on towards Jhoric. Jhoric entered a defensive stance, where he was prepared to take the charge. I arose from the water, only to find my master to be beaten by a mere boy. I watched my former father stand there in his defense position, letting Doron charge at him over and over. This is what the Wei-Shao masters teach us. To let the elements of life beat and destroy us? We are surrounded by gold and water, what can he possibly do. I realized that my training outside the temple was worth it. I truly realize that only the strong survive.

I pulled myself out the water and ran to pick up my staff. Then I turned my attention towards Doron. At this point, Jhoric and I both knew that Doron wasn’t coming back to the temple. I yelled out “Doron” one last time, and I hurled my staff at him. Before Doron could chant another spell, the force from my throw made the staff pierced threw him and he descended from the air instantly. The spirit of Brardoth and Doron had fallen. That victory is type of victory you don’t want to have. A life for a life is no true victory if it doesn’t have meaning. The sorcery that plagued Dedrilath Forest was no more. We had somehow appeared back in front of the Temple. The fog, the golden cavern, it was all gone. It couldn’t have been my imagination because Jhoric was standing next to me. Jhoric turned me and said that the Divine Disciples will deal with me and my actions, and for right now I should just pray that I don’t get expelled for my dishonorable acts.

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Posted By: Bmat Dec 16, 2003 - 05:37 am

The basic idea is interesting, but the story is so wordy that it is easy to lose interest. (Please don't be offended, and please also remember that this is only one opinion and that others may feel differently.)

There are many grammar and punctuation errors, which sometimes make the meaning unclear. There are changes of tense in the same sentence.

Perhaps, because of the nature of the people and location involved, you may want to have the people speak formally, without contractions.
For example, instead of you're (which is possibly what you want instead of "your" ) maybe should be you are?

I liked your opening, it caught my attention and made me want to know more.

Posted By: Middy Dec 16, 2003 - 11:56 am

Did the events go well with each other? Do you see this story being made into a novel?

Posted By: Bmat Dec 16, 2003 - 12:10 pm

The events follow logically. As to whether it could be a novel is up to you. Whether it could be a novel that I would be interested in reading - not yet, but that doesn't mean that you should not continue.