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Posted By: Mir Jan 06, 2005 - 11:37 am

The target was a very large and ancient looking building sitting on the low hill. There was a thin ring of unhealthy looking trees about 20 yards away from the tall, crumbling stone walls that protected the building. Many, many strands of razor wire ran along the top of the wall, preventing easy scaling and entry. In the vast expanse of empty field around the compound, four military units sat awaiting orders. The nearly moonless night didn’t provide much light to make out the details in, but it had been outlined many times during the mission training.

“What do you think is in there?”

Jeromy looked over at Tom. They had been friends for a while now, ever since they had been assigned to the same unit. Tom was a good shot, and a great fighter. He followed all of his orders and carried out orders to the letter, but he never ceased to ask questions like that. It was going to get him into trouble one day, “I don’t know, but we’re supposed to kill everything in there. That’s all we need to know.”

Tom shrugged, “I guess, hey, where’d your hat go?” He was of course referring to the black hat that all members of the squad were required to wear. The one he knew that Jeromy refused to wear, and had “lost” on several occasions. He, unlike the rest of the people in the unit, would not sink any further. He would not wear that thing that meant that he was being a good boy and doing exactly as he was told. That was going to get him in trouble some day. That was why Tom and he were friends.

In front of them, Jeromy could make out the hand signal that meant that their unit was to begin the charge. Jeromy hunched down, waiting for the line in front of him to start their run. As they moved, Jeromy made the signal to the one behind him and darted forward. A distance away, on the hill an explosion rocked the building as a large chunk of the wall was blasted away. Outlined against the fire and explosion, he could make out the first unit moving in. There was another explosion and then the gunfire started. Jeromy ignored it as he grabbed the rope and followed the man in front of him over the wall. The razor wire at this part had been carefully removed, making a sneak attack from the back possible.

Above the sound of the gunfire, growls and howls of pain and rage could be heard. Jeromy tried to reason it out; was this place was guarded by dogs? As he topped the wall and heard the gunfire closer to him, he finally realized what was going on. Evidently their surprise attack hadn’t been that much of a surprise; horribly misshapen creatures darted about below, attacking the soldiers with claws and fangs. Some of the creatures did indeed resemble dogs, but others appeared to be bears, large cats, and even apes. Wild ferocious things that were no longer as they should be.

Jeromy leapt from the wall, his gun swinging out of its holster. He blasted the nearest creature through its head, splattering blood and brains to the dirty cement. He continued forward, wading in towards the open door that the monsters were streaming out of. Shots fired close behind him, and he knew that Tom was right behind him, guarding his back. As it was, he had to slaughter nearly a dozen of the creatures in front of him, emptying entire clips into them before they would fall. He couldn’t imagine what had made these monsters.

There was an explosion from inside of the building, and a loud, piercing female scream sounded above everything. For a moment, everything almost seemed still.
Then a dog lunged forward. Jeromy swung his gun around, firing without taking the time to aim. The bullet caught the beast in its chest, flinging it backwards, to be lost among the rolling sea of bodies. Behind him, all of the noise resumed as the soldiers returned to their required slaughter of these things. Jeromy would have almost felt sorry for them, but he could make out the bodies of his comrades being torn apart by hungry maws.

“Try to get inside!” Jeromy barely heard Tom’s shout over everything else that was happening in the immediate area. He responded with a nod as he pushed forward again, heading for the large set of double doors. No more animals seemed to be coming out, but a particularly ferocious looking group of monsters was guarding the entrance.

Looking to the side, Jeromy saw several other soldiers headed the same way, weapons raised and already firing bullets into the creatures. Jeromy raised his gun and moved forward, following their example; he was slightly surprised when an entire clip didn’t seem to faze these monsters. The still stood, their eyes locked on the advancing soldiers. Apparently these had been trained or ordered to guard the door, as they were not even paying attention to the rest of the fight.

“Duck!” Jeromy heard Tom’s voice and instantly fell to the ground, covering his head, as did the other advancing soldiers as the grenade was launched overhead. It landed behind the monsters guarding the door, barely inside the doorway. None of the creatures turned to look, and Jeromy covered his ears as the explosion sent pieces of the creatures flying out across the battle. As soon as the flames died slightly, Jeromy leapt to his feet and rushed forward, firing round after round into what was left of the creature. Still some of the things stood, large chunks of flesh burned away or missing, but not willing to die.

With great effort, he pushed past the creature nearest to him, even as it swung blindly at him, having lost most of its head in the explosion. It continued to swing blindly, fighting even as a soldier behind him continued to fire into it. He was sure that it couldn’t still be alive, but pushed it from his mind as he entered the dark doorway.

Inside, everything was dimly lit in a bloody hue by red lights running along the top of the cement passages. The ceiling was covered in what appeared to be pipes for water or steam. It gave the impression that he was much further below ground than he actually was. The hall extended for a good distance before it split into a trio of corridors, all echoing with the sounds of battle. He heard the other soldiers closing behind him and quickly chose the furthermost right passage. As he hustled down it, he found that someone had already been through. There were numerous corpses of creatures similar to those that had been outside. All of them appeared to have been killed violently, presumably by each other. Jeromy shivered and tried to avoid looking at what remained of the bodies.

He continued down the hall for a long time, drawing farther away from the sounds of fighting, and all the while growing more nervous. Surely some of the other soldiers should have caught up to him by now…but none had. He was also wondering why there wasn’t any fighting going on in this area.

The farther he went, the worse the scene became, and the dimmer the light got. He started to look around nervously, glancing over his shoulder to see if anyone was there. Every time he looked, all he could see was the dead bodies and the blood spattered walls. Strangely, it was growing warmer as he went, and the pipes above him were growing larger. He had to be getting close to the boiler room or generator for this place.

The hall began to slope down, and the floor under his feet began to feel slick and wet. He could hear the hiss of escaping steam above him, and his clothes clung to him, drenched in sweat. If he weren’t so sure that he was getting close to something important, he would have headed back. The corpses were growing larger, and seemed to be fresher. He could have sworn that he saw one of the things drawing a shuddering breath, but he didn’t want to get close enough to find out.

The sloping hall gave ways to a set of stairs leading down into a dark room. There was a flickering purple light at the bottom of the stair, its inconsistent light revealing a pit of horror. It was hanging from a short cord and swung back and forth slightly, as if something had hit it not too long ago. The stench of the bodies filled Jeromy’s nose and he hesitated at the top of the stairs.

Taking a deep breath, he began down the stairs, his gun held at the ready. He had a strange feeling that something was left down there…and it gave him the chills to think that he was walking right towards it. However much he wanted to stop, his feet continued moving down the steep stairs that were stained red with blood.

At the bottom, in the flickering illumination of the light, Jeromy saw the scene of ultimate carnage. Piles of bodies lay strewn about the main walkway. Lines of cages stood open along the hall, all apparently wrenched open by something very strong. There were some whines and moans coming from an indiscernible direction, from some dying creatures. The room was hot, like standing in a baking desert in full military garb, and the air was thick with steam and stench. Every inch of the place seemed to be splattered or smeared with blood.

Slowly Jeromy continued on, both horrified and amazed by what he saw. Cages large and small lined the hall on both sides, stacked on top of each other until there was no room left. In several of them, small, lifeless creatures lay; in others large creatures moaned out their last breaths. None of them seemed to notice him as he walked by, and as an act of mercy, he spent several bullets stilling those that still suffered.

About halfway down the hall, he noticed that there seemed to be a few cages that had been left closed. From some of them, he could hear snarling still. He carefully moved closer to them, trying to get a look at what was in them.

What he saw made him back away. These creatures were not at all like the others. There was nothing that they could be described as. They looked like a combination of several animals, but they were so mangled that Jeromy couldn’t identify what they had been. The glowing red eyes continued to watch him as they threw themselves at him.

These creatures growled and bashed against the cages trying to get at him. He backed up more, trying to break their hold over him. He’d never seen anything so horrible in his life…he didn’t even want to comprehend what was going on in this place. Nonetheless, he continued backing away from them, afraid of what would happen should one of them get out.

“What in god’s name is happening?” His voice was quiet as he spoke, barely a whisper. He turned; sure that nothing could keep him from bolting out of this place and seeking reinforcements. Then he saw them. All along the cages the rest of the way down were strings of numbers and symbols. He had never seen anything like them before. Whatever they had been written in glowed in the faint light, almost seeming to pulse.

As if in a trance, Jeromy followed the symbols down the hall…ignoring the rattling and growling of any surviving creatures. Over everything, he could hear a distinct sobbing. He followed it, winding up near the end of the hall. It seemed to dead end at a wall completely covered in the symbols that he had seen earlier. At the base of the wall, covered in blood, was what appeared to be at first glance a tragic victim, a child no older than 11; but on a closer look, he realized that the sobbing was coming from it.

“Kid, how’d you get here…kid?” Jeromy knelt down, reaching out for the child, and suddenly stopped. At this distance he could see why the child was simply laying there. Below his knee on the left leg, below his thigh on the right leg, and below the shoulder on the left arm, there was nothing. This child had been hacked apart.

The child turned his face to Jeromy, “I failed.” His face wasn’t stained with tears like Jeromy would have expected, it was completely dry and covered with grime, the eyes sunk in from lack of nourishment and emotion.

Jeromy reached down and carefully picked the child up, surprised at how light someone without legs and an arm was. He positioned the child over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and quickly began walking back, “It’s okay kid, we’ll get you out of here now. There’s no reason for you to worry.”

As Jeromy had not looked closely, he hadn’t seen that what the child had been laying on was a horribly mutated human. The female’s face was distorted in a mask of pain, and her eyes staring vacantly at the ceiling. She had been, at least until the transformation, Sam’s mother.

Jeromy carried the child back down the hall, trying to ignore the growls and moans that followed him. His gaze fell on the complex strands of numbers and symbols several times, but he ignored them too. Right now his main concern was getting the child out of this mad house. He sped up, seeing the stairs ahead.

“Is anyone down here?” Tom’s voice snapped
Jeromy out of his daze as he reached the stairs. Standing at the top were nearly twenty soldiers, all aiming guns down the stairs. Evidently they had gotten the same feeling he had.

“Tom, it’s Jeromy. I’m coming up now. I found something.” Jeromy nudged the kid into a better position and started up the stairs, feeling the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end. He knew that those things were still down there.
At the top of his stairs, the soldiers parted so that he could get past, then stormed down the stairs. He heard many gunshots as he sat down against the wall and lowered the kid. He was panting heavily, not from exertion, but from nerves. He’d never felt so scared in his entire life. There was nothing that he had seen or done that had made him feel so ill.

Tom was right by Jeromy’s side, checking to make sure that he was okay, “Who’s this? Where’d you find him?” He looked at Sam slightly suspiciously.

Jeromy shrugged, “Hey kid, what’s your name?”
Sam clenched his fist, but said nothing. He seemed to be distracted.

Jeromy shrugged, “We better get him out of here, this is no place for a kid.” Jeromy picked up the child and made a hasty retreat through the building, trying not to look at the bodies of the creatures. He could hear Tom hurrying along behind him. As they neared the exit, more and more soldiers were rushing by them, covered in blood. Some were headed out, dragging a fallen comrade with them. None looked at Jeromy or Tom at all. Everyone seemed to be in a daze; they’d never been through anything like this before.

Jeromy finally made it to the door, and carried the kid through and out into the starlight. He blinked several times, trying to get the red tint to go away. Those lights had been messing with his eyes, and he hadn’t even realized it.
Slowly Jeromy followed the other soldiers with wounded and dying baggage out of the compound and across the field to where a several tents were set up. He laid the child down on an empty blanket and sat next to him, shaking with relief.

A nurse hurried over and began examining the child. She tried to smile, but seemed incapable of it as she examined the missing limbs and prodded scars. After managing to make him eat a bit of chocolate, she shook her head and bent close to Jeromy, “Are you the one that found him?”

Jeromy nodded, “He was…in there…” He made a vague gesture in the direction of the compound, not wanting to have to look at it again.

The nurse’s expression became very nervous, and she looked very pale, “Did he say anything to you?”

Shaking his head, Jeromy shrugged, “Not that I can think of right now. Is he going to be okay?”

The nurse quickly began wrapping the kid in the blanket and glancing around nervously. “I’m afraid that you’ll have to leave now.”

Jeromy’s eyes widened in shock, “Shouldn’t I stay with him…the kid’s not even speaking…”

She picked him up, placing him over her shoulder, and began carrying him away, “You did not find this child, he never existed; do you understand?”

Jeromy stood up, “Wait a minute! What are you talking about?”

The nurse continued walking, making sure not to look back at Jeromy, “I said that you never found him, is that understood?”

Jeromy began to walk after her, increasing his pace to catch up with her, “You can’t just do that! I want to know what’s going on here, and I want to know now!”

The nurse turned to look at him, her eyes narrowing dangerously. The child stayed quite still on her shoulder, not even looking up during the conversation, “You never saw him; he never existed. Is that understood soldier?”

Jeromy was about to protest, but saw a pair of rather large men moving up to intercept him and the nurse. They were tall, burly and didn’t look too pleased about him being there. He slowly took several steps back, his eyes narrowing slightly, “Completely understood Ma’am.”

The woman turned away and continued walking, disappearing into one of the drab canvas tents. He heard some speaking from inside and strained his ears to see if he could hear anything from where he was, too no avail. The two men positioned themselves right outside of the tent, giving Jeromy a stern look. He slowly turned and walked away, huffing.

Tom caught up to him as he was leaving the medical area, “Well?”

Jeromy stared at the ground and continued walking, not even daring to speak.

Tom snorted, “What did you expect, after finding a kid in that place? What do you think a “kid” would be doing in a place like that?”
Jeromy looked over, “So if he wasn’t a kid, what was he? It looked like he was just a poor kid that got caught up in something over his head. I mean; did you see what was done to him? It doesn’t matter anymore…it never happened.”

Tom’s head cocked to the side, “That bad huh? Well, we better get back or they’ll list us as missing.” He sped up, checking over his shoulder to make sure that Jeromy was following.

Jeromy waved him ahead and hurried after across the night-darkened field, his mind taken off the child as he entered the compound and was again forced to fight for his life against those monsters. He found himself back at what he knew, killing, and still wondering about what he was fighting and why. These monsters needed to be exterminated, but why had they been created in the first place?

Another gunshot; Jeromy emptied the last of the clip into the chest of a dog like creature, leaping out of the way as it fell. He leaned on the wall, looking haggard and drawn. Tom stood not too far away, panting and attempting to avoid falling over. There seemed to be no end to them…something had to give soon.

The hall was littered with corpses, the walls stained with blood. A dozen soldiers stood around, all as tired as Tom and Jeromy. No one wanted to try and continue forward. They were sure that all that was in front of them was more corridors and more monsters. They’d been executing the monsters nonstop for four hours now. The sun would be coming up any time now outside, and they were still inside, descending into the bowels of this compound. Surely there had to be some end to the madness.

Jeromy continued forward, his gun reloaded and at the ready. He heard the sound of the others slowly making their way behind him. At least they weren’t going to leave him to continue on alone. He allowed himself the slight pleasure of realizing that he was leading the unit right now.

“Unit 3, Command to Unit 3.”

Everyone froze, reaching for their com units.

Jeromy held up his hand for them to stop, and amazingly, they did so. He made a motion for three of the men to fan out and make sure that they were safe, then motioned for Tom to use his unit. Everyone else stood ready if the three gave a signal that they were being attacked.

“Command, this is Unit 3.” Tom knelt down and spoke clearly but softly. He didn’t want any noise to draw the attention of anything.

The scratchy voice came over the com again, “Unit 3, how many men are with you?”

Tom looked around, making a quick count, “There’s fourteen of us here Command.”

There was some muttering on the other end of the com, then the voice came across again. “Unit 3, Command regrets to inform you that you have been lost in the line of duty.” The line suddenly went dead.

Tom’s expression changed to one of utter horror, “Command…Command…do you read me?” He looked up, “They’ve cut us off.”

There was a murmuring from the rest of the soldiers, and they turned to look at Jeromy. He slapped himself on the forehead; this is what he got for trying to be in charge. Now he was in charge…and with all of their lives on the line.

Jeromy looked around, seeing the nervous glances and shuffling. He nodded in the direction that they had come in, “Let’s get out of here.” He motioned for everyone to form rank and follow him. Quickly, he collected the three that had been guarding them and proceeded at the fastest hustle that the tired group could manage.

They proceeded along the corridors, trying to avoid tripping over the corpses and slipping in the blood as they went. The red lights had begun to flicker, and Jeromy worried that if they went out, the unit would be lost in the dark corridors of the compound. The pipes overhead were rumbling and hissing badly, and several explosions rocked the building as they continued on. From somewhere behind them, there was a loud rumbling followed by a series of howls and screams. Evidently there had been more people left, and they hadn’t been fast enough. The entire building was collapsing around them. The walls were cracking and crumbling, and the pipes overhead were threatening to burst.

Jeromy stepped up the speed, keeping and eye open for any stragglers. Down a half crumbled corridor, Jeromy caught sight of four men, all of them running flat out. They were dressed in the darker uniform of the Special Forces, and were carrying bags that were filled to bursting. The men saw Jeromy and frantically waved him down, “Hold…Hold.”

Skidding to a stop, Jeromy motioned for the rest of his unit to do the same. The four men continued to run towards them, looks of grim determination on their face. They halted at the junction of the halls and paused, trying to regain their breath. All of them were looking around at the large cracks in the wall and the steam hissing out of the pipes overhead. There was a loud rumble from the hall behind them. Finally one of them spoke. He was carrying three bags, and had silver embroidery on his collar. This was a Major of the Special Forces, “We must request that you guide us out. Our escape was cut off and we cannot find the way out. Command seems to have stopped all transmissions.”

Jeromy nodded, snapping to a smart salute, “Yes Sir.”

The Major looked at his collar, seeming the lack of ornamentation, “Well I’ll be…you’re only a soldier.”

Jeromy didn’t let the comment offend him, having no time, nor really caring, “This way Sir.” He motioned to the rest of his unit and soon all of them were off again…running down the hall.
There was a loud collapse behind them and the air became clogged with dust.

The corridor gradually began to slope upwards. Jeromy increased the pace, realizing that they were near the main entrance. The lights were failing badly, leaving the group in the dark more often than in the light. Jeromy had to pause several times and wait for them to flash again so that he could figure out which way to go. The stench was unbearable and the air was thick with dust. Huge cracks could be seen in the walls, and the pipes overhead were hissing out steam at an increasing rate.

Jeromy heard moans from all around him, and caught flashes of people disappearing down corridors and swore he saw some of the beasts lurking in the shadows, but he didn’t dare stop. The rumbling and crashing behind the small group was growing louder and more frequent. The entire building was holding on by a thread, and they had to get out while they still could.

“Major, I’m falling behind.”

Jeromy heard the voice and stopped. Looking over his shoulder, he could see one of the men from the Special Forces leaning against the wall. The sack that he had been carrying was lying on the ground, and he stared at it with hollow eyes.

The Major looked to Jeromy, “Soldier, pick up that bag.”

Jeromy quickly saluted and ran to the sack, grabbing it. As he stood, he saw the dark stain on the man’s uniform. The man grinned, his eyes completely emotionless as he did so, “Guess I got it pretty good, huh?”

“Soldier, to the front; lead us out.”

Jeromy looked from the Major to the soldier and back, not sure. He didn’t want to leave the man, but none of the men could carry him. He was having trouble with the sack.

“Soldier, that is an order.”

Jeromy looked at the man, who gave a slight nod and motioned for him to continue. He shouldered the bag and moved to the front, hustling along. He looked over his shoulder once, and saw the man collapsed against the wall, no longer moving.

The rest of the flight was conducted in silence, save for the rumbling and hissing made by the building. No one spoke, nor did they look at the Major. He continued on as if nothing had happened, seeming barely tired at all.

After a long time, Jeromy finally saw the light at the end of the passage. He increased his speed, and motioned for the rest of the men to do the same. He broke into a flat out sprint, racing for the door and the sunlight he saw there. As he neared the door, he felt a hand grab his shoulder and drag him to a halt. The other men ran past him, out into the light.

Jeromy spun to see who had stopped him. The Major stood there, a large hand grasping his shoulder and preventing him from moving. He winced in pain, “Sir, what are you doing?”
The Major tightened his grip, “Stay here soldier.”

Jeromy’s brown eyes widened, “What…?”

There was a series of gunshots from outside, followed by the screams of all of the men that Jeromy had lead out. He looked at the Lieutenant in horror, suddenly struggling. Tom stood not too far off, frozen in shock; unlike the other people, he had seen the Lieutenant grab Jeromy and had stopped to see what was going on.

“Major?” One of the Special Forces men had a gun to Tom’s back and had already disarmed him.

“My name is Major Carter; I am a member of the Elite.” The Major released Jeromy, who stood absolutely still…not sure what to do.

Major Carter patted him on the shoulder, “You show potential, both of you. Unfortunately, I have to take your friend into custody for now. I know you will remain quiet about this situation; it never happened.”

Jeromy watched as the man put Tom in cuffs and sat him down against the wall, “Soldier taken into custody Major Sir.”

Major Carter took the bag from Jeromy and nodded to him, “Follow me and stay close soldier.”

Jeromy nodded. He really didn’t feel like saluting this guy very much at the moment. Not with his friend being taken out of the building at gunpoint, and not after hearing the other men be shot right outside of the door. He followed the other men out of the door, and found himself standing at the barrel of a rifle, looking into the face of a member of the Special Forces.

Posted By: Mir Jan 06, 2005 - 11:38 am

To be continued...

Please leave comments.

Posted By: Bmat Jan 06, 2005 - 02:17 pm

The field was empty and yet it held 4 military units= possibly confusing.

it had been outlined many times during the mission training. - probably "it" should be identified.

his gun swinging out of its holster.- this is confusing, perhaps "swinging his gun out of its holster.

wading in towards the open door - wading through what?

There was nothing that they could be described as. awkward

It is a long excerpt so I skimmed the rest of it to get an idea of the story. I'm probably not the best to critique the story since I am not a fan of battle scenes, but your descriptions are effective and what the characters see is described well. I'd like to see more motivation to invade the structure than just that they were told to do so. They were surprised and appalled by what they found, but I didn't feel a driving need for them to invade. There was too much description of the fighting for my taste. But please don't go by what I say, because as I mentioned before, battle scenes don't excite me.

I also didn't have a feeling for the characters as people, their personalities were not very strong, it seemed to me. On the other hand, in the kind of situation in which they find themselves, personality may take a back seat to automatic responses.

The story has promise, and the descriptions are strong.

Posted By: Mir Jan 06, 2005 - 02:24 pm

This is only chapter one...the reason is described in chapter 3, which is currently under thought and being written. If you read the other two parts, you'll get a better feeling for the characters.

Posted By: talisman Jan 11, 2005 - 01:05 pm

Well I enjoyed it, but I recommend that you read through carefully (a few times ideally) and look for ways to tighten up the text and avoid repeating the same words too often in a block of text. The storyline is great, the characters aren't bad (and no doubt will develop further), the atmosphere is good (possibly over-described in places), but to get the best out of your writing, some trimming of sentences is required.

I'd also suggest not making the soldiers quite so formal...in other words they're in a heated battle situation and saluting and 'yes sir'ing all the time isn't very realistic.

Just before he finds the boy, he shoots some of the creatures in cages, but surely he'd want to not make any noise. He's giving himself away to a potential enemy, which I'm sure a soldier wouldn't do.

I also dislike the way he leaves the battle with the boy, then returns. If there is intense fighting, could he wander off like that and would he do so anyway when his comrades are being killed etc? Perhaps that interaction with the nurse could be changed to another military character and set in one of those corridors.

Still they're just suggestions. It's a good story so far.

Posted By: Mir Jan 11, 2005 - 01:11 pm

Thanks...there's actually a good reason for the nurse...she's a spy for one of the other major players in the story, and as for the formality, if you were in this army, you'd be doing the same thing. In this world, they're very strict...

Jeromy just kind of has a wandering personality, and the reason he removed the boy was A. He's a civilian, and has to be gotten out of there, and B. The soldiers had to remove their wounded themselves...there's a lot of unit, and it's a huge place, sending medical teams in would just get them killed...besides, Chapter 2 & 3 (when I finish it) explain a lot of why everyone's so reckless.

Posted By: Magus Jan 30, 2005 - 06:37 am

O.K. I finally got around to reading this. Here we go:

" Tom was a good shot, and a great fighter. He followed all of his orders and carried out orders to the letter..."

Now, this is just my thought, but maybe you could change the "out orders" to simply "them out"

"bloody hue by red lights" Might be changed to "blood-red lights". Or maybe just change bloody. Crimson is the color of dried blood and Vermillion is the color of fresh blood. You might want to give those a try.

"There were numerous corpses of creatures similar to those that had been outside" could be changed t "The ground was littered with the corpses of creatures eerily similer to the ones that they had already killed."

I love this paragraph:

"The hall began to slope down, and the floor under his feet began to feel slick and wet. He could hear the hiss of escaping steam above him, and his clothes clung to him, drenched in sweat. If he weren’t so sure that he was getting close to something important, he would have headed back. The corpses were growing larger, and seemed to be fresher. He could have sworn that he saw one of the things drawing a shuddering breath, but he didn’t want to get close enough to find out."

Excellent job on that one!

I have to go to church now, unfortunately. I'm at the part where the guy got out of the building and ate some chocolate. I'll finish the rest when I get back.

Overal, from what I've read, it's very good. I'd like to see more description and detail in the battle and a little tightening here and there. But it was very entertaining and very good. Nice job!

Posted By: Xyster Jan 31, 2005 - 05:37 am

Thanks. I've noticed some of those flaws and changed them in my own copy...but it's really long and I can't edit the post anymore. Still, thank you for the advice, I'll keep it in mind...probably change the original copy a little.

Posted By: Magus Jan 31, 2005 - 11:51 am

I'm still reading the rest of it, plus the other two chapters you have. Just keep in mind that because of my schedule this week I might not be able to do it until later this week.

Posted By: Xyster Jan 31, 2005 - 01:21 pm

That's fine. I'm a patient person....but YOU HAVE TO DO IT NOW!

Just kidding...LOL finish it whenever you have the time.