We have moved to new forum software and posting here is closed!

PLEASE BOOKMARK THE NEW FORUMS

Posted By: Inwë Aug 14, 2004 - 02:24 am

Inwë crouched, drew his duel swords, leapt, rolled and stabbed to either side in one fluid movement. Two men fell dead. Another soldier leapt over his dead comrades and threw a hefty downward blow at Inwë. But he wasn’t there. The broadsword stuck in the earth. The soldier stood up and grabbed his comrade’s sword. Inwë leapt, slashed, missed and rolled to earth. A sword came crashing down near his left pointy ear. He rolled sideways to a crouch, blocked a blow to his shoulder and aimed a blow to the man’s head. The man blocked and smashed a fist into Inwë’s face. Inwë reeled, the man hit him again and he fell to the dirt.

Inwë woke up in a plain, empty, whitewashed room. He stood up and looked around. ‘Where am I?’ he wondered.
A fly landed on the ceiling. It crawled along the ceiling. The wind whistled through the barred window. Inwë swatted the fly with his hand. He began to pace up and down the room. Suddenly, the door banged open and the jailer strode in. “My master wishes to…” He was slammed against the wall with a swift kick to the stomach.

The jailer woke up with a start. He was lying on his back in a ditch. Inwë walked over from the campfire he was building. “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t let you escape and start a search party, could I? Now, down to business, where can I get a horse?” He threw another log on the fire.
“Where am I?” asked the jailer.
“You, my jailer friend, are on the side of the main trail from Nenharma to the sea. We’re heading towards Nenharma.”
“Oh.”
“Now, what about those horses?”

Where do you think I should take this story?

Posted By: Neurolanis Aug 14, 2004 - 01:19 pm

It's difficult to say. So little is known at this point. These are just my opinions so please don't take offence to them, but it is difficult to follow. When, I presume, the 'Jailer' says, "MY master wishes to..." it isn't clear that it is HIM who says it. When the man says where they are and where they are going the second time he wakes up, he just says, "Oh." The reader doesn’t understand the character at this point, but it seems rather silly.

AS a side note: "A fly landed on the ceiling. It crawled along the ceiling." 'Ceiling' shouldn’t be said twice like this, it's sloppy.

I understand that this may be a rough draft, but it is hard to respond to it in any other way: Your question is hard to answer because you've given us so little, so people just won't respond. It's also unrealistic. Being knocked unconscious once, never mind TWICE, is, well...rather painful and disorientating. Your character is described that way.

Again, it may just be a rough draft, but with so little it's hard suggest where it could go, because...it hasn't been anywhere. Please keep writing and feel free to post anytime.

Posted By: Chaeronia Aug 15, 2004 - 04:46 am

"Where do you think I should take this story?"

This question raises two immediate issues:

Firstly, as Neurolansis has pointed out, this piece is far too short to suggest a future to it. We know nothing of the characters, save that one can fight well. We know nothing of the milieu or of the general backdrop in which this piece has been written. We have no idea as to the wider scope.

But this is largely by the by, for the second issue is why do you want others to suggest possibilties for the story's development? This is your story, you are the writer, no one else. Where do YOU think you should take this story? Do you have a basic plot premise? Do you have a theme you want to explore?

It's not really anyone else's job to tell you what to write. Writing is an individual artform, the result of an individual's thought process. Of course a published writer has test readers and editors to help him or her, but every writer begins by writing their own tale. What would be the point otherwise?

I agree with Neurolansis, too, in that what you already have here lacks any sense of coherence. Within three hundred words (less than a page of a standard book) we have three different settings: the fight scene, the whitewashed room, and the campfire. We're told nothing about how these scenarios have come about. We don't even have a semblance of understanding as to why the initial fight took place! And, as a reader, none of the three settings held any sense of depth to me. I never felt involved.

Your description - what there is of it - is hurried and sometimes irrelevant.

"A fly landed on the ceiling. It crawled along the ceiling. The wind whistled through the barred window. Inwë swatted the fly with his hand."

What is the purpose of the fly? It certainly isn't apparent here. Perhaps it holds some meaning further on in the tale, but here it is merely an irrelevance. And as Neurolansis has rightly pointed out, the repetition of 'ceiling' needs to be dealt with.

My advice: flesh it out, give us more and take your time! A story, of course, can benefit from fast pace and swashbuckling action, but this is too bare, beyond basic, thus stripping the reader of any empathetic involvement.

That's all I can offer at this point.

Chaeronia

Posted By: Inwë Aug 19, 2004 - 09:35 am

OK Thanks I'll Write a bit more and put it on soon.

Posted By: Inwë Aug 19, 2004 - 09:37 am

Inwë was galloping down the lane on his fine newly stolen stallion, the jailer beside him on a similar horse.
“Why can’t I go back?” he asked.
“Well, one – because I need a travel companion and two – because I can’t let you alert your master.”
“Why?”
“You’ll find out soon enough.”
“Why are we going so fast?”
“To get there quickly.”
“Where are we going?”
“If I tell you, will you stop asking questions?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, we’re going to pay a visit to my old friend, Kilen.”
“Who’s he?”

Doe that tell you anything about the characters?

Posted By: Athalia Aug 19, 2004 - 12:04 pm

yes - it does kinda tell me that inwe isn't going to kill unless he has to. but then that raises the question: why was he fighting that other guy in the first part? Me personally, well i think that I don't understand why the jailer is left alive.. if this inwe is a warrior (i am assuming this because he starts off fighting) then why didn't he just kill the man and be done with it? Why does he want a prisoner - some one he can't trust, someone who will take constant watching, someone who will impend his progress - as a traveling companion? and why does inwe say he needs a companion? it seems to me that he can take care of himself?

heh please keep posting you have got my curiousity aroused and i wanna know what happens good job, thats what a writer wants to do

Posted By: Inwë Aug 20, 2004 - 09:57 am

Yeah, sorry, didn't think about that. I have an idea though but you'll have to wait.

Posted By: Athalia Aug 20, 2004 - 05:35 pm

darn

Posted By: Inwë Aug 31, 2004 - 10:44 am

Kilen shouted and ran out to meet his old friend.
“Welcome, Inwë, may the sun shine on our meeting.”
"Hello, Kilen, good to see you again!"
The old friends embraced heartily.
Inwë turned towards the jailer, “We’re going to stay here overnight. This is Kilen, he’ll be coming with us tomorrow morning.”
He turned back to the old wizard, “Kilen, this is…erm…”
"?"

Can anyone think of a good name?

Posted By: Inwë Aug 31, 2004 - 10:46 am

You're right, I didn't think about the travel companion bit. I think I might change that.

Posted By: Inwë Aug 31, 2004 - 10:47 am

I'll think of something.

Posted By: Athalia Sep 01, 2004 - 06:34 pm

WAIT is name is KILEN???? no no no can't have that my hero's name is kilian i got first dibs you can have flibbergigit or something
Just kidding man !


ummmm a good name are we nameing the jailor? cause a good name for him would be ummmm..... Jayson or Ter'il or um Bob. Bob is always a good name

Posted By: LiQWiD Sep 03, 2004 - 01:36 am

Kobold the jailor
has a nice ring to it.

Posted By: Inwë Sep 07, 2004 - 09:09 am

Thanks a lot

Posted By: Flip Sep 07, 2004 - 02:08 pm

Hmm... though I am still wondering why Inwe wouldn't just pick up a sexy woman from town, kill the jailer (he had no problem with killing those random other guys) and have a travelling companion which is definitely more appealing for the front cover of this story. But from what I can tell, Inwe is weir-... interesting... so I don't know what's going on in his pointy-eared head.

Anyways... about the writing style. It's a bit choppy, since the sentences are pretty much basic action by basic action. Though I enjoy the "Zero Bull@#$%" style that you use, and so few classical writers use, I dislike the whole aruptness of all the transitions. This would make a great comic book, but as a simple story it tends to lack something.

Flip wrote something. He stopped to think. He swatted a fly.

It would be much more fluid had Flip wrote something, then stopped to think, and while pondering swatted a fly that had been annoying him.

Well, those are my current thoughts. Now for what I really liked about it. It's has an interesting character, who has enough craziness to make things interesting. Though I don't understand what's going on in his head, I'm somewhat hoping he tells us why he's in trouble, where's he from, where's he going, and what he's been smoking.

Posted By: Inwë Sep 19, 2004 - 07:17 am

Yeah, I get what you're saying.

I'll post more next week.

Posted By: Inwë Oct 01, 2004 - 10:29 am

sorry, i've been ill.

Posted By: Bmat Oct 01, 2004 - 12:03 pm

Sorry to hear you were ill. I hope you are feeling better now.

Posted By: Inwë Oct 09, 2004 - 06:52 am

Thanks I had an operation on my ankle on Tuesday and had my flu jab this morning. Life is good isn't it? (sarcastic sneer).
How about these as a name for the jailer:
Hama
Cûr
Tan
Kiran
got them from a random name generator.
Or maybe:
Tielin
Cies
Golain
Oster

Posted By: Inwë Oct 18, 2004 - 10:10 am

I think I quite like Tan!?