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Posted By: Tobias Nov 10, 2004 - 08:00 pm

I have been toying with several ideas for novels recently. The following is a prologue that I wrote a while ago, but do not know how to expand on. Please express any concerns or praise about the writing itself, and if possible add some tips about how to take the story from here.

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No one knew what it really was. It flitted across the plains like a breath of wind, a shadow, no more. Never had it been seen it clearly, not even in broad daylight.

It first appeared on a comfortably warm day in June, a mar on the perfect green of the plains—which then surrounded a town know as Aria. A young girl spotted it there, and ran back to the village to inform the townspeople. The current mayor, being a rather paranoid man, ordered a party of hunters to search out the creature, whatever it was. Ten men set out, each armed with a rifle.

When within a week no word was heard, and no sight seen of those men, another party set out. These were searchers, not hunters. To their surprise, they found all ten men sitting unharmed on a hilltop barely ten minutes from the town. However, when the search party attempted to talk to the hunters, the men turned violent.

Five days later, the search party returned, every one of them sorely wounded. Needless to say, that was the end of that village. The already superstitious townsfolk were shattered by the new turn of events.

The sight of the strange shadow surfing across the long grass now sent them into frenzied panic. As quickly as possible, every last man, woman, and child packed up their belongings and fled the town of Aria. By cart, by horse, by wagon, on foot, it didn’t matter how, they simply ran as fast as they could.
But the shadow stayed.

With the humans gone from the plains, as if by some strange magic, that town, every last building and stable, was absorbed into the plains. Aria disappeared completely within two years. The roads, along with the tilled and cultivated fields went too, overgrown and conquered by the lush grasses. Travelers would speak of the fate of that town in low voices, barely heard whispers as they passed near that site. And as they did, every now and then the shadow would be seen, drawing a furrow through the long grass as it raced along like a demented demon, never touching the ground.

Soon, the people of Aria who had found homes elsewhere went about gossiping about the shadow, their tales, as tales do, growing more fanciful with each telling. Within a short while, even the travelers who crossed the plains to some other city began taking extravagant shortcuts to avoid it. The place, if not for the abundance of wild grass, could have been called desolate.

However, the destiny of that place was not to be deserted.

In those days, every town and village that was reasonably well-traveled had a resident witch. The capitol, Aster, had several. There was even a “college” of sorts by the Eastern Sea. Besides living in towns, witches set up shop near any odd magical anomaly, be it evil or benign. And so, hearing of the shadow, witches from all over the kingdom gathered. They set up shop there, in the small groves of trees that dotted the green countryside. Unafraid of the shadow, they boldly began to sell their wares to timid travelers. The place even gained the nickname of Witch’s Row, though the shops were in nothing that even vaguely resembled a row. Slowly, a bit of the fear of that had run rampant in that area for a long time subsided, and one day a royal governor came to re-install the village of Aria.

A few inhabitants began to live there, growing more and more unafraid as the shadow continued to be benevolent. It never harmed anyone, or even tried to. Slowly the truth of the original town came out, that the only men ever hurt were those who hunted the shadow, and everyone breathed a sigh of relief, thinking of the shadow as a familiar quirk to the area, not a life-threatening menace…so long as no one happened to go hunting, that is…

But then things changed. No one knows why it happened, or even exactly what happened. It was on a day of mourning in Aria. A young boy had died, drowned in the stream. Upon his funeral, a mysterious minstrel who was passing through was asked to play a dirge. He agreed, and soon the town was filled with the mournful notes, that seemed to reach beyond the veil between death and life, and in doing so, by some strange magic, the minstrel touched the shadow.

And on that day, for the first time since it had appeared, ten years before, the shadow stopped its endless flitting across the fields, and turned its faceless head toward the music. Had anyone seen it, when it stopped there, would have seen the outline of a boy, dressed in raggedy clothes, seemingly made of shadow.

But no one would have contemplated the shadow for long, seeing what happened next.

For then, with no warning, it flew off again, taking a different course. It was headed right toward the town.

And on that dark, that doubly fateful
day, as the shadow of a boy dressed in rags passed each house, flames blossomed from it, like strange exotic flowers. It continued on, until every house was on fire, and the townspeople fled from Aria once more, with true reason to fear the place this time.

However, even as the town evaporated once again, the witches stayed where they were. Afraid of the shadow now, they set up a system of underground tunnels between their shops, where travelers still passed. The tunnels were magically lit, and spaciously carved, leading them to a bit of fame, a slight tourist attraction, though the shadow still made goose bumps rise.

And the Warren was born, and with it a cult of witches. No one knew much about them, not even the other witch cults. But they had a destiny, those witches, them and the Shadow.

Posted By: Magus Nov 10, 2004 - 08:25 pm

I think that you have a typo in the sentence:

"Never had it been seen it clearly, not even in broad daylight."

"...which then surrounded a town know as Aria." This could be reworked to make a little more sense, such as:

"...which surrounded a town then known as Aria."

You say "the current mayor". Current isn't necessary, almost redundant. You could make it, simply, "the mayor" and be better off for it.

"Five days later, the search party returned, every one of them sorely wounded. Needless to say, that was the end of that village. The already superstitious townsfolk were shattered by the new turn of events."

Did any of them die, they were "searchers" and not "hunters". How badly were they wounded? How is it needless to say that it was the end of the village? This is very confusing and must be either cleared up or deleted. Also, you may want to find a better word to use instead of "searchers", maybe scouts.

"The sight of the strange shadow surfing across the long grass now sent them into frenzied panic." You say strange shadow, but it doesn't add to the emotion and feeling you're obviously trying to create. Try looming shadow, or ominous. Even black or forboding work, but strange is far too weak of a word.

"However, the destiny of that place was not to be deserted."

This could be reworked to better suit your mood, such as:

"However; the true destiny of Aria had yet to come. It's true purpose had yet to be shown."

"capitol" should be "capital"

" Unafraid of the shadow..." Rework this to "Undaunted by this rumored shadow" to create a greater effect.

I'd change "nickname" to simply just "name". And you say "a bit of the fear". I'd change it to say just "the fear". "Reestablish" or "recharter" would be a better word then "restall"

"But no one would have contemplated the shadow for long, seeing what happened next." You should shorten this to create greater drama and a better flow "But no one would have contemplated the shadow for long." Everything that came after the comman was really unnecessary.

You say "...until every house was set on fire..." You can make the villagers more sympathetic by replacing house with home. A house is a building where you reside. A home is where you live. It's a subtle, yet effective, way to show sympathy and compassion. Also, simply replace "on fire" with "aflame".

In the next paragraph replace the first "However". You write about it evaporating again. But it didn't evaporate the first time, it was grown over and dissapeared. You already established that the people now feared the shadow, so you can delete "Afraid of the shadow now,".

And just a slight grammatical edit:

"But they had a destiny, those witches, them and the Shadow."

Should be:

"But they had a destiny, those witches; them and the Shadow."

Note the change of the comma to a semicolon.

I loved the story! It works to an excellent prologue. I hope you write the rest of this, for I would certainly read it!

Posted By: Bmat Nov 10, 2004 - 08:33 pm

Would it be "they" and the Shadow?

I like the story, too. Magus's suggestions might help smooth it.

The word "surfing" made me pause. Surfing to me brings images of water, or of looking around. Just my opinion.

Posted By: Tobias Nov 10, 2004 - 08:43 pm

To Magus: Thank you very much! I have always had a few (prominent) blindspots in my writing. Your suggestions will definitely help. Many times I tend to add in more words than necessary, or simply choosing a weak one. (Like with "strange." ) Again, thank you very much.

To Bmat: Thank you also. About the surfing, I was trying to image the plains almost like an ocean -- just grass, the sky, and the wind as far as the eye can see. I might clear that up a bit more in a later version.

To both: Any suggestions on where I could take the story? This prologue pretty much wrote itself, but I have a touch of writers block for the rest. And again, thank you.

Posted By: Magus Nov 10, 2004 - 08:43 pm

Just as "install" made me think of computers. Some of your other wording choices probably should be reworked to better fit the style of writing you hope to accomplish, in this case more of a midieval fantasy, unless I'm wrong. You need to modify your diction to accomadate for it. Change some of the words to better fit the story, in other words.

Posted By: Bmat Nov 11, 2004 - 05:27 am

Perhaps the entity could be the underlying motivator of the witches, or it could have control of the witches- some piece of itself in the witches, or both the entity and the witches could be controlled by or contain a piece of some more massive or pervasive being or influence. Perhaps a hero could find out that the witches, unknown to themselves, were being directed by an evil, or malevolent, or uncaring force of some kind.

Posted By: Magus Nov 11, 2004 - 05:38 am

What have you planned out for the rest of the story? It may help us in telling you how you may be able to change this part of it, maybe for foreshadowing or other such purposes. But I certainly understand if you don't want to reveal that kind of information.

Posted By: Tobias Nov 11, 2004 - 06:25 pm

I do not have so much of a plot laid out, except for the minstrel as being more of the evil force, the witches more on the good side, and the shadow is still sort of in limbo. I can think of lots of stuff to do with the shadow, but can't settle on any one thing.

I am also wondering who to center on as the main character. I'm leaning toward either a witch already living there, or perhaps some sort of new person arriving. Again, no decision has been made.

I also like the idea of having the shaadow as a fragment of a larger entity, though I don't want it to be entirely malevolent in nature.

Posted By: Magus Nov 12, 2004 - 12:40 pm

Could it be some unbeliever of the shadow come to disprove the rumors? Could it be a knight come to conquer it? Or could it be a son of one of the people killed by it wanting revenge?

All of these could work in terms of main protagonist.

Posted By: Tobias Nov 12, 2004 - 03:49 pm

Hmmm...interesting. Perhaps a son of one of the people come back to try to avenge them, but ends up findng out some mysterious truth? I'll see how it writes itself, I guess. Inspiration strikes at the most uninspiring of moments, so I should think of something soon in one of many boring times I must endure.

Posted By: Magus Nov 13, 2004 - 06:02 am

I hope this works out for you. I really would like to read more of this story.

Posted By: Tobias Nov 13, 2004 - 07:12 pm

Thanks. I was a little discouraged with not being able to write more after I finished the prologue, but I think that I can get back into it now. Hopefully I should post Chapter One soon.

Posted By: Magus Nov 13, 2004 - 08:19 pm

I'll be hear and ready to read it when you post it.